here we grow again.

Well I went a little out of the norm and sent our baby april an eviction notice. the kids enjoyed it and in all this hot weather and last month of pregnancy, they needed a little pick-up. I also found out that exactly 2 weeks late would bring her on my daughters b-day. that would be fun to have your first grand on your own b-day.September seems to be our familys month.we have many in sept. 3 on the 5th.  mom has been cooking a lot lately but enjoys it so much although we have a lot of clean-up and "go gets" and food to put away or deliver to kaye. I am so down in my spirit right now. when you realize you have to turn the reigns over to the next generation it is very hard. being responsible for so many things(of my own choosing).your mind and emotions knows what you need to do and how but your body no longer, is able to keep up. does that mean you should not take it on or you shouldn't worry about it. when you realize maybe you didn't teach your kids what you thought you did or in this world, does it really matter as long as they know GOD.  how different levels of financially able causes different levels of society and how they view things. In sorting my brothers things, I have a hard time deciding what would be the most important to him and since he chooses not to correspond with me right now and thinks I have hurt him, I just want to tell him, I know you don't see it the way others do, but I love you and maybe someday you will understand."I think he is the smartest, funniest, most caring, there for whomever and so lonely. I have your back. I've always had your back, even if you didn't like the way I did it.I love you.well I guess the name of this blog doesn't really portray the content. but food is not my god and I do tend to get too emotional. I have always cried a lot and it keeps me from going nuts. Most any "pilltype" help does me in. either knocks me out or makes me crazier than a bed bug. so I just as soon cry. back to the cooking. it is always good and it is very apparent that moms boys are of the top ten so to speak. half the food she cooks, she doesn't even like or eat herself. the boys are quite normal for their age. she and I are too old to live in their world and they are too young to live in ours. I thank God that they are not into meaness or horrible things which is so out there today. we can't tell them to do it like we did because the changes in our world  have made that impossible. but I am thankful for our blessing and when I think of so many less fortunate in the world, I am ashamed to fuss about anything. people often tell me to get a life. well caring for others is my life. I wish I had prepared some better for my future. but how do you turn off your heart. I have not mastered that task. so much I want to say and so unable to express it on paper, or physically able to get projects done or remember which one I was working on. I am in a scarey place in my life. another phase to go through I suppose. prays and love to all

kids

well I have two of my grands for a few weeks. bekah and ben. they are like the dynamic duo. what one don't hit ya with, the other one will. they are so smart and beautiful. rebekah has always been the mommy type for ben.  today we shopped at the goodwill. Ben found a remote-jeep and bekah found a full nintendo game with two remotes for 15.00. I found an album of nursery songs for one dollar. it was made in 1966 and is in very good shape. We had a fun day. Hot, but fun.  Mom is out now with the smoking and I got her an electronic cigarette to try for a few days. I am very tired and am having a hard time figuring out the next step in my life. I guess the correct way to say it would be trying to find my life. the kids and I went to the storage today and I gave them some stuff from it that I'd had for them anyway. I feel very empty. Most of what I have in my storage is kid oriented. oh there's the needs of a home there too but you can tell what ran my house. my grandchildren. I don't think Amanda will ever know how much of my life she yanked away. I have since learned that it may have been the best but not in this way. I am not physically able to keep up with them so much now. I am not at all organized to care for them here like when I had a home. I have given a lot of it to AJ for his home now that he is married. I found a butterfly pin I'd been looking for and so many things I hadn't seen for so long. It was like a little treasure hunt for all of us. ben mostly stayed in the car and examined the penny's to find the ones of value. we are looking for a 1969s. it is suppose to be worth 35,000.00. I would love to find one worth 5,000. right now. We dropped off some things to AJ, towels, a shower thingy and a few things for baby. then home for a nice meal cooked by mom and jacob. well the girls look so cute in their little pillowcase dresses. Kim and I made them the other day and she'd found vintage cases with the lace and embroidering and made huge hair bows for them and they were adorable. I made one for elsie although she didn't get to go to the beach. hers is bright yellow with a blue high-heel on it to match her gorgeous blue eyes. looks like their little ben is gonna be another blue-eyed dreamboat. I am still packing and sorting. It seems that is how I've spent a good deal of my life, besides nursing anyway. if I can learn how to do the dialysis with kaye, I could probably get a better job when I go back. that will be when jacob returns from his vacation, scheduled the last two weeks of august. . he'll be here at night so I can work night shift and come home, do the breakfast, go to bed and make a decent earning. well big day tomorrow. better get some shut-eye.  Our baby april should be here soon. we thought she was coming on the 16th but they sent us home empty-handed again. we just have to wait a little longer.   love and prayers for our country and my family.

habits,desires

I don't know how much longer I can pretend I don't know moms smoking again. do I get to feel guilty because I smoke in the bedroom. Do I tell her, so she can really start smoking, because she will if she thinks she isn't hiding it from me. I know she doesn't have a very fun life with all the problems she has but I know it won't take long for her to be back in the hospital if she goes full ahead with smoking. Do I have any right to halt it, tell her I know, let her have what she wants. I hate these decisions. she is still capable of having her own way. I think. at what point do we determine folks are no longer able to make decisions for themselves. well I guess I will play it by ear for a bit longer. I think it's been going on for at least 3 months, for sure this last month and she ain't trying to hide it as good. well we'll see. I know she comes to the door a lot more to see what I am doing.  I also know that all my siblings will preach at her and me. I can't make her do anything at this point and when she gets sick she looks to me to help fix it and try as I may, I can't fix this and the braver she gets, the more possiblity of fire etc. In a home she would get three or four a day if they allow smoking at all. oh well. so much for whining.

daddy

today is daddys birthday and I guess I am just missin him. I was hoping our little one would come. I am not sure she would be ok if she is born right now though. we don't have much longer to wait. miss rebekah has a B-day july 9th. She is quite the beauty. Aunt betts seems to be doing ok with her recovery from the neck surgery. I don't get to visit or talk as much to aunt lois. sue said she is better from her fall. I can't imagine loosing a partner of 75 years. I know it happens but it is so rare for people to stay together that long. I think you must really become one to be able to do that. 

precious fun day

Why I would think of that now is beyond me but thats what ricky always called amanda or said to her. I was thinking of our afternoon. Mother and I went to susy's and had a very simple quiet lunch. of course every meal she serves is elegant no matter how small, but it was so nice. fresh tomatoes off the vine which mother loved. corn on the cob and a bread that was very good. mom loves all the kids and grandkids and grt grand kids etc but she doesn't deal well with the big get togethers anymore. loves them but her nerves just can't handle it like before when she was running the big dinners.    since she had the stroke, her patience is taxed with the slightest change. We actually had time to talk and just enjoy eachothers company. I mended some dresses for a friend today and wednesday, kim came over and we made pillowcase dresses for the girls. they turned out really cute and she made the cutest bows for their hair. I'm told they all fit them and the girls love'em. they are all so precious. looks like I will have bekah and ben around the 10th. It will be good to have them around again for a little bit. another story. My brother took care of conner for a good while and conner enjoyed him a lot. jimmy, due to arthritis and other ailments sometimes gives a slight groan,grunt or some little sound when getting up from the floor or chair and they noticed that conner was doing it. it took a minute to figure out what was wrong and there was nothing wrong. he was just doing what uncle jimmy did. such innocents is priceless. which brings me to another story. when adam was a little one, I was watching him while his mom took racheal to dance class. he asked why she went there. I told him "well, dance teaches you poise and control" his reply " I know about that poisoncontrol, my mommy has it on the fridgerator" I laughed so hard. they don't always hear what we are saying. how different through a childs eyes. prayers for all and good 4th of july.