stuff

well It is 4 AM and here I am awake and ready to go but no where to go and my hip hurts so that I can not go much. When I woke, the house was so quite and that is disturbing as I usually hear Mothers 02 unit chiming. well I don't know for sure if I didn't turn it on or if she got up but it looks like the later cause the tube was stuck under the door and this is something I would not, normally, leave.I laid down at 2 and jacob wasn't home yet and at 3:30 the kitchen light was out so It may have awakened me when he come in just enough to arouse after he went downstairs. I need to call pete and reschedule our date cause I had already accidently made one on the same day involving more than just he and I. I worry about him and sometimes I want to knock the crap out of him. Jameson finnally did it. he went to jail for public intoxication and when I said something to pete he kind of boldly said, don't you go get him out. this coming from the man who along with my sister would have spent the last dime they had getting their boy out of trouble and use any excuse to fix it. david is trying to stay sober but don't always make it. at least jamey don't drive a car and ruin finances that way,or chance hurting innocents. pete was alarmed that david told me. I'm like, was it suppose to be a secret. I mean did we really think some of our children would not have these problems. and boy do they. BUT, I have several, well a few friends ,downtown who know the name well and gave me a heads up and it is the hardest thing to sit and do nothing. they need to go through the consequences but it is heartwrenching for the ones at home. but I have learned running to their rescue can hurt as well as help more times than not. I learned that joey is not doing well at all in school and will not be able to play football or go to college.which sets him up to do what many of or young have done. rebel and drink and smoke. I hope to get him some during springbreak and try to convince him it is worth it to try harder. I always felt like there was a block somewhere to his ability to organize and learn, even though he is very intelligent. I begged for counclers and whomever to check him for mild autism to no avail. he was a welfare baby and I couldn't get any help. I remember, when I was in school, thinking how stupid it was to worry about learning this stuff which is not logically gonna help me in my life and having a horrible time trying to be still and focus and our parents couldn't do much but work and feed/clothe us. there wasn't much grounding cause we didn't get to do anything. when you have 7, you don't tend to notice the evils that lay quitely in the mind. I did finally learn that some of that stupid stuff just gets you to a higher level of knowledge which helps you figure things out on a social level or something. Joey has always been more preceptive than most young people or people in general but never could accept athority nor understand why he was punished even if he was right.  due to his mothers constant battles, he has lost so much of what was good in his life and since she moved to alabama and they have virtually removed me from any situation, I think he has been adversely affected by this as well. I don't see him near enough to watch and help. now I am trying to decide if I need to go to the school and try to punch another round of rules and assistance to help him finish. he has one more year and he was so up about the football and this has crushed him. don't know if drugs or drinking is involved but I need to try to find out if there is anything I can do. mother is not doing well. my siblings keep asking why don't I do  this and that but the fact is, since I came here she has been in a down slide. she has been so sick and so close to death and it is pretty much (here)been changed to a mini nursing home to abide her wishes and care for her needs. she told me once don't take my cooking away, I'll die. she has held on to this means of attention, caring and giving to the point she could not change it to something else and god knows I have tried. but I could not keep up with the constant mess and the huge meals we didn't eat and the constant outgo of money and throwing away food but not allowing me to get rid of stuff we haven't used in 5 years. I wanted her to be cared for in her own home. I have heard many many you ought to's but I don't think my sib's realize how the situation rolls here and yes I would love a break, but she does not want me to be anywhere she is not and that I suppose is my fault. back in september of 08 I really thought she was going to leave us and I'd wind up taking care of her husband til he passed. then in november he passed and she was still hanging in and finally got to a point life was once again worth living to her. since Kaye passed, she has tried to feel better but it has taken such a toll on her, I don't think she can overcome. she felt betrayed by god and no matter how much you pray or know god sometimes you can just not understand why it has to be the way it is. she said one day, I can't believe what is going on in my family, I have prayed so hard and long for peace/ I just told her mom, we have had many blessings and answered prayers and you can't give up. you are the prayer warrior and if you do nothing but that, it is important for our family. that seemed to put her at ease a bit. I really want to go back to work but I am not sure I am truly able. if I don't my SSI won't be much. I worked since I was 14 and now the few years left I am here which is my choice but it will deplete my benefits drastically unless our pres new laws go through.my family has a hard time understanding me but I have always been different and didn't see things the way they do. my older sibs seem to have been caught at the top of the seven and had it pretty rough and dad wasn't very good to sue. I think he loved her but there was a tension from family that wouldn't let him love her. my younger sib's were caught after dad became ill and did not receive the benefit(or pressure) of a father figure. Jimmy was a god til timmy came along and dad didn't have much use for jimmy after that and then he had the aneurism and didn't care for any of us. me and teresa were kind of in the middle and got some of both ends so many different views from the 7 of us and some of it brings us closer and some tears us totally apart. I believe the bond between us is strong even through all the bull. I grieve a lot over my brother. I try not to but he had a rough go being in a home with 6 women and then loosing his place in the godship of my fathers eyes. I know I dwell on these things too much but I have tried so hard to protect my family to learn that It was looked at in a totally different way than I gave. we were never allowed to express feeliings of discontent or anger. mom grew up in a house of terror kind of and she could not deal with loud voices and fighting and discontent. we didn't know the damage this would cause until much later and I don't know if the sibs even know it. we kept secrets beyond the norm for kids etc. don't tell, don't yell, don't upset anyone and then when dad got sick it just multiplied the problem 10x's more. I am glad my girls didn't do drugs or drink heavily but their lost was pitiful fathers as well. we were looking for love so hard and I personally picked badly. but of course they wouldn't be here had it gone another way so who can say what is to be or why. I know I love my family and whether they believe it or not, my goal has been to protect and help where I could. didn't expect or want any martyrdom ,which I have also been accused of so I will just do the best I can and try to hang in til the lord calls us home. I will try to remeber to thank the lord for the blessings and pray alot for adams safe return. we have been blessed not to have lost any of our boys in these horrible war zones but now he has been deployed too an area that was bad already and due to an inccident where one of our troops killed friendlys in their homes even children and old folks even the good guys don't like us there, so I pray he will be safe. that kind of loss has got to be unbearable. I don't know if babygirl could withstand it. prayers for all and lord thank you for the blessings we do receive. let us all try to understand that it is so much bigger than what we see here on earth, and embrace eachother in love and try to make life tolerable for those less forunate is my prayer for this day. it is the day the lord made and I will try my best to be glad in it.

my hermit status

I guess I just think too much but after the pain in my hand and hip has stayed for 3-4 days, I went to my little doc and have been lined up for many tests which will tell me what we already know but must be done to prove what is needed. I was also thinking about how all the allergys and weirdness has effected my life. I have kind of been made fun of because I didn't want to go all the time but when I look at my list of problems, I'm thinking it may have been my way of subconsciously protecting myself. I actually sat down and made a list of things I have had happen to me over the years. I am allergic to so many things. Medicine does not work for me like a lot of people. my stomach has always been sensitive to the point of peptic ulcers at age 9. so it has been a constant rift.  I can walk pass someone with heavy perfume on and sneeze for an hour. this happened at work and in malls and various places I have gone. I am afraid of the dark, water, heights, and am claustrophobic. I didn't even realize this until I went for an MRI and bout went nuts trying to get out of it. I was watching a show about slunking and when the guy got in a tight spot and took his hard hat off I was on the edge of the couch breathing hard and realized I needed to turn it off. I wanted him out of there. what a fun life. I don't really know if I am that sensitive or if I spend too much time thinking about what my body says to me. whatever, it has been a great irritation to me all my life. so, I stay in my little pre-fixed-non allergic,safe place to be happy.  I have always found lots to do at home with little projects and sewing and things. oh well a thought for this morning.  maybe I am not a nut. I think it is ok to be a bit nutty. I, like many, don't deal with big changes well although I have had to on many occassions change everything in my life. My choice, although it wasn't always as easy as it seemed. prayers for all today and a special one for Adam, Bianca, Brenda, all our friends fighting diseases and our country and boys fighting these horrible wars and those poor people involved in them. so sad. til later

dinner with the family

We had a very nice dinner with all of us except tonya. mom, sue, me, kim, tim, teresa, phil, steven,  and pete. It was nice but hard too. Not having kaye with her crooked little smile was hard. fighting back tears and trying to talk about things pleasant and also that adam, Kim's oldest son is going to afganistan in April. So it was good for the most of us to be together. Tim gave everybody longhorn steakhouse cards for christmas so we all went together and I had told him we'd spent ours but he wouldn't let us pay for dinner. I think mom did give him her card but I had given mine to laurie for charlie's B-day. he'd told her he'd like a steak dinner so I pulled it out and gave it to her. I really don't care so much to go out so anyway when this came up, I decided to go. Mom said if I didn't go with her, she wasn't going and I kind of think she thought I wouldn't and that could be her excuse not to go but I got us ready and went and it was ok. it's always ok, I just don't care to spend that much time and money on a steak I could fix at home. I am stressed to the max right now, trying to help laurie get the house done and trying to keep this house running and now the washer broke and mom is set on buying a set from jimmy which has not been used. our dryer is working and would have picked up a used one for a lot less but jacob is paying what we can't, so now I need a place for the dryer and we will have a new set, and now she wants to cook a big dinner for him for which I have to leave the house or he won't come and I must be gone to have the w/d delivered so although it is a pain in the butt I will go. he did not go to the dinner with us and is still mad at many of us mostly me and tim for a problem he made himself and for which I am still paying. he allowed the oak st house to go to ruin. but I am the heavy. My daughter moved in it and is trying to live there and we still don't have an adequate bathroom but still trying to get it done. if we apply for the city grant with me there then I can't apply for the VA or use mself as a dependant for mom$$$$$$$$ so I am between a rock and a hard place once again trying to decide what to do to keep from committing fraud on anything when I have 0000000 and just want to keep life sustained for the others who need it. I am trying hard not to be ugly or feel resentment toward anyone but I am so tired of hearing what I should do and all going to the aide of others when I have been trying for a year to get the house back in order. tony and jordan did come and do some. tony was paid. of course not what it would have cost from a "professional", but what I could and it is so close to being reasonable and no help???????Pete seemed lost without kaye again. It seemed to me he was on the verge of tears but he held it together well. he wants to stay a part of the family but I think it hurts him a lot when we are all together and she ain't there. very hard place to be for him. things are so much harder during this time in life than I ever expected it could be. even without tradgedys it is just so not smooth at all. Lord have mercy on us all.

morning

well looking out the window this morning, there is a beautiful blanket of snow on the ground. It causes quite a lot of little problems but is the first real snow we have had this year. the poor folks in henryville and throughout many towns across our country have been hit hard with tornados. 38 dead is the toll today. some search and rescue still going but mostly just cleaning up and rebuilding now. makes you realize how fortunate we are here right now. none of our family was hurt or damaged this time.  I am sleepy but don't seem to want to go back to bed. I am still reeling a bit over my talk with sue. I do love her and pete and all of them but she and pete can be so hateful and sometimes I just don't understand. She told me today that moms toliet is disgusting and nasty. we have a regular toliet and an elevator thing with arms on it for her to be able to get up and down easier. I clean it very much all the time so it is not nasty.  it helps her especially since her balance has been way off since her stroke. she loves her chair. they have called her hateful and stubborn and other things because she don't want to go to the cemetary to see where kaye is buried. she tells me she don't think she can stand to go see her under the dirt, and that to them, is stubborn. we weren't asked our opinion so why don't they leave it alone. everybody grieves in their own way and she don't want to go.Pete says I am an enabler for mom. they have no idea. I even act like I don't hear her sometimes so she'll get up and get her own coffee. I beg her to get dressed and lets go somewhere.  I always ask if she'd like to go somewhere or do something. I've tried to get her to go to the store with me and even offered to take the wheelchair. I told her anyday she is ready to go to the cemetary, I will take her. yes I do spoil her but not without some fussing too about her getting up and doing stuff. I even tell her she's getting lazy and could at least wash dishes once in a while but nothing seems to work. yeah she could go to sue and hear how she stinks or how her mother-n-law gets up and goes all the time or how silly she is over lord knows what. Teresa would be less hateful with her but it ain't her house. Do they just not get it or what? they are all so judgemental and pete even told me straight up he wanted to change me. I don't go enough or get around enough. He wants me to get dressed up and go with him to louisville to try a new coffee place. I think that's stupid. Once you get ready and drive, to lord knows where, get in with a bunch of disrespectful people, get and pay for a special coffee(too much), what do you have? a very expensive cup of coffee. Not worth the time and effort. besides I like mine black with no Latte or junk in it. I'm a horrible person. I don't need it. I have had a very fast paced, adrenaline filled, interesting life. I kind of like keeping it low key. My biggest problem is saying no when I see anyone needing anything. I find if I just keep to myself a little more I don't wind up in places where I usually wind up, on the s-list or used by someone when I have tried to be helpful.I am thankful I lived through my "wilder" days and just life. I have had guns in my face, chased theifs, seen horror and nursed for 40 years. why do they feel I am not capable of choosing where I wish to be and who I care to be with. I certainly don't want another marriage to probably a worse one than the first 3. whats the point. none. why is it so extreme to them that I am ok to hang here with mom and take care of her. we have had so much stress over jimmy, jamey, the house and all the crap gone on here and the loss of her child and my sister. I wish they could live and let live instead of making me feel inept or guilty or stupid. I think the way they rush to have everything so upity is stupid. they aren't proving anything to anyone. now volunteering and helping the weak and sick, that's at least a good thing to do. oh well. I don't usually judge them for the unecessary crap they buy and things they do but I get tired of hearing how I "should be or what I should do". My siblings have never just liked me for me. from the time I can remeber I have not been right or good enough. I've been yelled at, cussed, judged wrongly and I am so tired of it. very occasionally I get a little kudo. usually from Teresa. even she has had her say at me a few times over what I thought was more consoling her or helping or not quite highfilutting enough. oh well time to quit whinning and be thankful for what we do have and we do have many blessing. I will try to pray for patience and understanding. thank you lord for your blessings.