food can't fix it

I am so overwhelmed with grief for my sister, it is hard to breathe. They wouldn't even look at me for giving her a kidney. I keep going back in my mind to the day she virtually died in her living room and wonder, did I do the right thing. she's had to suffer through so much. I wonder if it is a test for pete(and her)like job, to test faith and I have a hard time not seeing the miricle we have all prayed and prayed for. course the fall was the culprit I guess. she made it over the heart stop and cpr. I can't even explain the way I feel. I know she has been spared for a time because so many things could have and should have taken her life and she fought through all of it to get to this point, where she has to loose a leg, or basically die, short of a miricle, it is a matter of time. she is like a child, so afraid and then so agressive when upset. I would be an idiot I'm sure if I had to endure what she has. pete is so determined to do all of her care and not let her go . I get so angry with him sometimes. a small change could make things easier for her and him. being the caregiver and watching over those in the hospital and making sure things were done as correctly as my knowledge would allow, was the only thing I felt like I could give my family and he took that completely away from me with my sister. of course this was her wish too I assume but I don't know. she remains so protective of her son and I think is grieving over leaving her family. as we all know none of us have the promise of tomorrow, but to see so much pain in one of your loved ones is almost more than I can bare. Her greatest fear was to be unable like our father was and it has come on her worse than daddy had to deal with. he didn't suffer so much even though he was disabled. He had his problems but came out of things quickly and remained jolly although he had some mental setbacks with memory and emotion he was quite happy. he kind of died in her arms(kayes) and I started CPR and looked at mom to tell me if I should continue, since he'd slipped alot in the last year. she said no, don't do it anymore. that was the hardest thing I've never done. I believe it was his time and he begged me not to take him to the hospital. he did not want to go through anymore of that. well I need to pray for all of us and try to sleep. it's likely to be a long hard day tomorrow. she now says she'd rather die than loose her leg. I don't think she can deal with loosing anymore. lord please have mercy.

no dumplins today

we had a mixture of tomatoes,zuccini,garlic,onions over rice. mom cooks in her sleep all the time. she got up today and wanted to cook what she dreamed of. wilma had brought zuccini and teresa had brought some veggies and she fixed them all night. well it actually tasted good. not to die for but reasonably tasty over the rice. not much for a meat and potatoe person, but if you like veggies it was dewishous. I am very weary of what I call mini crisis. it seems there will never be a day with no worry. or aggrevation. I guess its all in how you deal with it and these days I don't seem to be able to deal with anything. I was so used to being able to physically stay ahead of everything and now seems I can't keep up with myself anymore. I am blessed to have my little new grt grandaughter born healthy. she was 9lb 7oz. 21 1/2 in long. She is a cutey. she looks like her momma a bit more than dad I think but they change so much in those first few months. I dreamed she was a red head. jim had a lot of red in his hair but hers right now seems brown with red tones. too soon to tell. they went home friday and AJ is really steppin up to the task. tiffani had stitches and the everpresent with childbirth(hemroids) Those first few days after a big baby like april are rough. AJ has the week off. we are still working on getting the house ready for laurie to move in. It is not very ready but we'll have to work on it a little at a time. I got my brothers things sorted and repacked and in the garage, up, hopefully where mice and bugs don't get in them. I will put my stuff back in storage for now. no time to sell, sort or prepare for yardsale. just want to be done with it. waterheater, furnace,backroom and floor jacks left to do and siding. I have had a hard time trying to sort jims stuff and keep the most precious or what was not ruined. but that part is done. I hope it will prove to be a good thing I did cause I have sure worked hard. jacob got home tonight. I am glad he is back safe.  Jamey has been gone more than here since jake left. so the garbage, dog and all weren't taken care of. if we asked him to do something while he was here to shower or eat he would do it and he did mow the lawn but he doesn't have a pinch of thought as to what he might do to help here. I think he just wants to be elsewhere. they are not "bad" kids just 19 and 22 and not very interested in anything that doesn't concern their day. not to unusual for the age. hard to keep the middle between them and mom. I tell them try to remember she is 4 generations from your world. well I am tired so I should get some rest. this will be a hard week and next week is job hunt. prayers to all and thank you lord for the blessings.

the boys

well the kid went out to take pics in the wild and returned at ten with 2 young ladys who(with permission from mom) went downstairs to view the pics they took. joey here and jamey came home too. 1st girl left at 11 and mom ask me to have them end the party at 1130. they were laughing and cutting up and being a bit noisey compared to usual.Jake asked me if she'd handle them going swimming for a while. I said no but I will just be quiet. so here I am at 300 in the AM sneaking them back in the house and trying to keep the dog from barking and mom being woke up. mission acomplished.it is hard to keep 3 generations happy. Thank GOD they are not horrible, disrespectful boys. they do try to follow the rules of the house which are oft times very stringent. no girls to spend the night, I agree with but sometimes they need a bit of space mom is not willing to give so I find myself mediating frequently. I guess we get by. I hope they know I try to ease it a little. she is so far away from them in age it is hard to make her see they are fairly well grown and able to have some fun without getting into trouble. you don't have to do anything wrong to get into trouble these days but we give all the precautions we can and pray the rest. safely tucked in tonight. prayers and love to all and I am gonna go to bed now.

dinnerbell done rang

Mom and kaye both very happy after the dinner. everyone ate well and she took a box home with her for david and later tonight, or tomorrow. actually it went very well. did I say that. pete looked awful tired. he is so protective of her but does things backwards sometimes and could make it so much easier with a few little tips. but you have to admire his tenacity. my spelling leaves a lot to be desired. now comes the clean up. got most in the dishwasher and food covered. time for a break.  so the menu was: grilled and broasted chicken, bisquits and gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn on the cob, dressing, cranberry sauce, cucumber salad and tossed salad, with coffee and cantelope for a dessert. she still has to be fed some of her food and uses a straw because her right side mouth is numb. I pray for her not to suffer any more but how do we know how much we can stand to stay with our loved ones. we went to her birthday do on thursday and it was nice but she was so tired. anna drost and kids were there. they have remained fairly close. well I will close this writing not knowing when or what will happen to our family next. we've had a hard year. I don't know where my brother is and what in the world is in his mind. it breaks my heart to think he feels I done him wrong. I have spent a year trying to preserve what of his things from the house that I can. How can he not know I had no choice. the house still needs a lot of work but it is almost livable again. laurie will be moving in it probably. I don't think she has a choice.   GOD have mercy on us all and prayers to our men fighting everywhere and thankful adam hasn't been deployed yet. good night

woe, woe, woe

Well here I am again with the need to write down something, anything. it keeps me from going nuts. nothing in my life would cause anyone to need phychiatric help but all the little details and minicrisis are driving me bonkers. My biggest request for mom is not to cook when no one is home. she has had too many little stove fires to trust that she can handle it alone anymore. although I explained that we all do it sometimes but she no longer has the ability to get it took care of quickly without danger. this , of course hurt her feelings or made her mad(either-I don't care to do). I had told her I wanted to work a lot on the house this week-end and spend some time with joey before he goes back to school. well Kaye decided it would be a good time to come for the chicken dinner they been trying to do for a few months. she has to do things when she is up to it so not to be angry about but definitly changed my weekend. I would never want anyone to say I was angry cause I wouldn't want to hurt anybody. so I rearrange my plans or actually just drop them. I finally did sell my silver wedding band for a 100.00 bill. took joey to get some school supplys and an outfit and the ticket was 99.22.filling out papers to decrease my mortgage with my daughter having to move and needing to move into it.and it is in no way ready. trying to teach jamey to drive and looking for a job so to say the least I have many things on my mind. but dinner is ready to serve. and I am glad we are blessed to still have kaye able to eat. I can hardly be with her without my heart breaking. The children starving in somolia. God, we have to wake up and try to help these children. prayers for all later