smoke smoke smoke that cigarette

I guess I am a little slow sometimes. it dawned on me that some months or maybe a year or so ago, when she got so mad at me for sending chris out to hang with her, she wanted privacy. I do know, that soon after she came out of the hospital, she tried to smoke and we had a large confrontation about it. I basically told her, she was not in physical or mental shape to make that decision. she did stop and 6 months or so ago, I realized she was hiding cig and lighters and trying to smoke again. so I didn't tell her I knew cause I also knew she would smoke more if I knew. so I finally got tired of watching for safety sake and acting like I didn't know so I told her I knew and now she smokes too much and I can see a marked decline in her cognition and memory to the point of confusion and refusing to go to her lung doc who she loves. so I have told her this but she hasn't give them up. of course comes the guilt of smoking in my room and trying to keep it from her. she says it has nothing to do with it. I smoked only in my room and not in front of her or no one smoked in the house. I have an air filter and fan to keep as much out as I can and smoked outside alot. in the garage when she wasn't going out there a lot but stoped that too and did not smoke in her car or while she was in her car. so now I have to let her kill herself or take them and quit myself. neither is something I can do although my non-smoking siblings are not happy.the subtle complaints as to the semell so strong, I let her blame on me. oh well, watching her try to hide it breaks my heart. I don't do any different than I did so the smell will be less hard to deal with, but why? so tired of the hype,farce,advise, I guess I'm just tired. she is not real happy about me leaving so I think I will call my smoking friend and let her stay with her so I can go to corbin and get these gravelots sold and find some of the ones we've lost. and see chester before it's too late. really need to make some plans. or is any of it worth even stressing over. well lord help me. I will try to make reasonable goals.prayers for everyone

Angels About

I got a e-mail from Ken today with news of angel, Jameson and Jacob's  mother. she has had another stroke and is unable to talk or walk and hospice has come in 24/7 now and caring for her. Ken is lost I'm sure. He has been there every minute since she became ill enough, she couldn't take care of normal daily living tasks. It is so sad.  I know the boys think about it and have many feelings they don't share. jimmy has encouraged them to be tested but that is hard to do. Jameson got so many genetic devils from his parents. jacob and he are so different. It is hard to say if either of them are plagued with hunningtons disease but time will tell. they have made some progress with med to help but no cure yet. they can actually pick the sperm or egg that does not have the gene for it so there is hope of normal kids for them. there is also hope for a cure for them or at least med that can allow them to have a longer better life. my heart is heavy with stress over them, my brother, my mother, my girls, kaye and pete, finances, jobs, routines, bills, disagreements. so many things are so painful. emotionally and physically. sometimes it seems it is just not worth it all. mom had what I think was a panic attack. no need to explain. no matter what it is she always sees the worse possible senario. I guess that comes from growing up with a constant fight between her folks.If voices are raised, she becomes tense immediately. I would love to take her back to corbin and live in mama and papas house but her brothers and sisters made sure she didn't get it. she was spoiled little wandy and they all resented it.she was the only one of them who didn't have a paid for house and she was(and me)the one who took care of them every time they needed her. why are people so mean.  oh well enough whining for tonight I guess. just tired of everything right now.better say double prayers

Momma's Bucket Garden

there never is enogh you know, no matter what we bring
out come a stack of buckets, it happens every spring
we plant a little garden, no time to watch it grow
if momma sees a root or plant, to a bucket it will go

she loves the sight of nature, pretty flowers, the smells delight
Her little bucket garden is a quite familiar sight.
if it grows, she wants to tend it
if it cooks, its on the stove
if it cans,
we're cleaning mason jars,
corn on the cob in droves
as hard as it can get sometimes, we let her have her way
she gives her love with food, we know
but thats what makes her day

we've all enjoyed the fruits of love, enduring til this day
she can't undo her need to see,that all are loved this way
the recipes she leaves behind, will surely be well spent
but they'll be here for kids and friends to use for each event


this is a poem I wrote about mom and she wanted the other kids to see it. we've teased her about her bucket garden from time to time. she liked it. she has a hard time understanding our world. she was never about the world. due to necessity, I suppose, she was about god, her kids, our dad and her job and that kept her a very busy lady. she never failed to give a prayer for those who come by needing it. nor did she fail to feed the hungry where she could and show kindness to those less fortunate. she now sits and ponders over the things her kids do that she can't believe. she frets over the sick and the ones that may not exactly be on the straight and narrow.we have lots of talks about what we can and can not control and I answer lots of questions over and over and over. our elderly(not all of them but some)do not understand the things of our society today. what they really didn't see is that in giving their children everything they didn't have, they failed to give them what they had.this doesn't mean they are horrible, but they can not live like we did. it no longer works.well I will close this entry. it seems I'm rattling. love and prayers for all.