NOT TODAY

This seems to be the going statement. I have realized that although she never gets to the things she says she will do or cook or clean or sort, she never actually gets to it. She absolutely, somewhere in her mind thinks she will. she is back to smoking all the time and whining cause she feels guilty. she doesn't seem to get that all this money spent and things done around her chair are not a fulfilling life for anyone. mostly her. she is content to sit there and watch things go on and change nothing. I also realize that I have to start making decisions she may not be exactly happy with but needs to accept so we can actually live in this world. aunt lois seems to be settled in well at rachaels. she is very proud of the ramp put in for her. sue is to take her to the doc today. I am glad they all have such intense offerings for her. pete and tim are working on todd and his friends house to help him get moved in. funny, I been trying to get the oak st house fixed for two years. tony helped when I hunted him down and had money to pay(which was absolutely warranted.) he worked like a dog for several days with me. there is just a lot more needs done. but no volunteers for that. I don't know what I have done to make my family feel so allianated to me and my girls or if it is anything I've done at all. they call me controlling and spaz and other choice words but I don't feel any of that in me. I feel like I have tried to help whommever needed it when they needed it to protect or keep from harm. oh well I know if brought up it would all be different whether it really was or not. so I am what I am good bad or indifferent I don't think I can change much at this point except leave them alone and stay away from the hospital unless it is my mother. well gonna go clean out the freezer. Prayers for the day for a reasonable day with no crisis. life is so hard right now and I am having a really hard time picking myself up and making decisions. never had that problem before but the last few years have really opened my eyes to things I was not aware of. mostly I need to just not talk. just not talk. bye now thank you lord for the blessing we have. I do see a lot of them.

sleepless in Indiana

It's 4 AM and I am awake and can not seem to drift back off to sleep. I have had a cold or brochitis or something that seems to want to hang on. "turn me loose" comes to mind. I feel very blessed that we don't have the tragedys some have, but so tired and confused about life right now. since we lost Kaye, pete is like a ship out in the ocean without a oar or whatever you call it and now that they all have free time, seem to want to make changes in what we do here for the last three and a half years. Yes I am tired  and yes mom is spoiled but I realize that and am trying to get her to do more things. her life ,I mean Life, was cooking for others and that has been a battle since I have been here. trying to fix what SHE will eat and not army meals for everyone else. My words to her usually is that her want to list is bigger than my can do list. I learned that Adam will be going to afganistan and that really upsets me. we also lost another cousin. randy,who is son of lois and berry, died yesterday in a not so peaceful way I am told. Aunt lois will be coming here to stay with one of the neices. Unless that changes. After leaving their lake home that uncle berry built, they have lived in florence,Ky for many years. they lost their oldest son a few years back, then uncle berrry and now randy, who was trying to care for his mom the best he could. I think he knew he was sick much longer than he allowed anyone to know. he only had one lung and chose not to go through the general regimen of hell before death that some go through. when he and aunt lois came here to visit, I kind of got the inkling that he knew and did not want to discuss it so I did not. It seems our generation is fading quickly. things are just so stressful everywhere although we are blessed in the fact that so many are here and able to live life.  Sue has been with aunt lois this week and is to come home tomorrow I think. I went to pete's and helped him make the particians for his man cave and curtains for the windows. came home and stayed in bed pretty much the whole next day. I guess I wasn't feeling as well as I thought but wanted to get it done. also working on making a mans coat-jacket out of burlap bags for jacobs project at school. it will be usable but in no way perfect. they had a trash to treasure project and his was to make the jacket out of burlap bean bags. well we did it. hahahah it is too weird but does resemble a jacket.phyllis went to eye doc today and has to have cataract surgey but no retina damage(related to diabetes)she has been buying some of the groceries with the foodstamps she receives and watches mom when I have to be gone. she wasn't suppose to be here permanent but her neice kind of threw her out and she had no place to go so for the time it has worked out ok and she doesn't cause much expense and helps alot.well what she can. she is not too healthy herself. I finally got to see my grt grandaughter at her piano I gave her for christmas. she is such a little doll. she likes the piano.Aj and tiff are doing well and are going to church and trying to live right. laurie and anthony are even going to church and amanda(still in alabama)has church at home with her kids if they don't go to church. she lives in the biblebelt and hasn't found one to go to yet. Joey had an accident and got his face and eye cut. I told them to take him to a specialist but they went to ER and wound up having to take him to a specialist the next day cause he was hurting so bad. wound up that he was oozing the vitris fluid from his eye and could have had a lot of damage but they caught it in time. I wrote and called but have not heard from him since it happened. another blessing, cause if he lost his sight, his football career would be over and he loves it and is doing so well with it. he has received letters from a few different colleges already. I don't know if he will apply himself enough to get the grades but we'll keep praying and hope he does. the other children are doing ok. chris is trying to find his place.charlie is always busy with something. I hear good things about the ones in alabama but really have no idea. Jameson is my biggest trial right now. you are not allowed to speak in any authority to the boys right or wrong and I love them almost like my own and feel I have shown that plenty but he has an anger problem and wants to slam doors and act like it is ok. sometimes I want to slap the snaut out of him and other times just hold him and tell him it will be ok, when in my heart I am not sure it will ever be ok for him. jacob seems to get along pretty good but jamey has a hard time dealing with even the smallest of things in life. he is 22 and does not drive, he worries constantly about everything. the biggest fear of course is huntingtons disease which their mother is virtually dieing from as I write this. she has a feeding tube and can not function anymore. her husband took her to florida and is so far away none of us can get there much. the boys have gone down there a few times and try to send gifts on special dates. the mothers ring they bought her has yet to be topped. she absolutely loves it. I still grieve my sisters death and my living brothers lack of communication with the family. to be so smart he sure is stupid. well I guess I will go potty and try to sleep a few hours. mom goes to OBGYN today and belly doc thursday so I need to try to rest some. she's having a hard time dealing with all the stuff that is so backwards in our family right now. she has prayed unceasingly for her kids and sometimes feels let down. I try to tell her mom we all have to live this life and it ain't always a bed of roses but we have to accept the blessings we have and try to get on through it. I can't imagine having started in her world at 18 and seeing all the things so different for her at 83 it can't be easy to be unable to deal and trust someone to do it for you. it must be hard. well I know it is hard for her. I just don't know how to make it better. well I will say prayers for all and pray for the lord to have mercy on us. and please watch over our children and especially adam as he goes to help defend our country. and our president to stand fast for isreal and the hungry babys all over the world.and for bianca and family and laura and her family.Ken and nancy ashleys familyaunt lois. so many are in such peril. thank you lord