dinner with the family

We had a very nice dinner with all of us except tonya. mom, sue, me, kim, tim, teresa, phil, steven,  and pete. It was nice but hard too. Not having kaye with her crooked little smile was hard. fighting back tears and trying to talk about things pleasant and also that adam, Kim's oldest son is going to afganistan in April. So it was good for the most of us to be together. Tim gave everybody longhorn steakhouse cards for christmas so we all went together and I had told him we'd spent ours but he wouldn't let us pay for dinner. I think mom did give him her card but I had given mine to laurie for charlie's B-day. he'd told her he'd like a steak dinner so I pulled it out and gave it to her. I really don't care so much to go out so anyway when this came up, I decided to go. Mom said if I didn't go with her, she wasn't going and I kind of think she thought I wouldn't and that could be her excuse not to go but I got us ready and went and it was ok. it's always ok, I just don't care to spend that much time and money on a steak I could fix at home. I am stressed to the max right now, trying to help laurie get the house done and trying to keep this house running and now the washer broke and mom is set on buying a set from jimmy which has not been used. our dryer is working and would have picked up a used one for a lot less but jacob is paying what we can't, so now I need a place for the dryer and we will have a new set, and now she wants to cook a big dinner for him for which I have to leave the house or he won't come and I must be gone to have the w/d delivered so although it is a pain in the butt I will go. he did not go to the dinner with us and is still mad at many of us mostly me and tim for a problem he made himself and for which I am still paying. he allowed the oak st house to go to ruin. but I am the heavy. My daughter moved in it and is trying to live there and we still don't have an adequate bathroom but still trying to get it done. if we apply for the city grant with me there then I can't apply for the VA or use mself as a dependant for mom$$$$$$$$ so I am between a rock and a hard place once again trying to decide what to do to keep from committing fraud on anything when I have 0000000 and just want to keep life sustained for the others who need it. I am trying hard not to be ugly or feel resentment toward anyone but I am so tired of hearing what I should do and all going to the aide of others when I have been trying for a year to get the house back in order. tony and jordan did come and do some. tony was paid. of course not what it would have cost from a "professional", but what I could and it is so close to being reasonable and no help???????Pete seemed lost without kaye again. It seemed to me he was on the verge of tears but he held it together well. he wants to stay a part of the family but I think it hurts him a lot when we are all together and she ain't there. very hard place to be for him. things are so much harder during this time in life than I ever expected it could be. even without tradgedys it is just so not smooth at all. Lord have mercy on us all.

morning

well looking out the window this morning, there is a beautiful blanket of snow on the ground. It causes quite a lot of little problems but is the first real snow we have had this year. the poor folks in henryville and throughout many towns across our country have been hit hard with tornados. 38 dead is the toll today. some search and rescue still going but mostly just cleaning up and rebuilding now. makes you realize how fortunate we are here right now. none of our family was hurt or damaged this time.  I am sleepy but don't seem to want to go back to bed. I am still reeling a bit over my talk with sue. I do love her and pete and all of them but she and pete can be so hateful and sometimes I just don't understand. She told me today that moms toliet is disgusting and nasty. we have a regular toliet and an elevator thing with arms on it for her to be able to get up and down easier. I clean it very much all the time so it is not nasty.  it helps her especially since her balance has been way off since her stroke. she loves her chair. they have called her hateful and stubborn and other things because she don't want to go to the cemetary to see where kaye is buried. she tells me she don't think she can stand to go see her under the dirt, and that to them, is stubborn. we weren't asked our opinion so why don't they leave it alone. everybody grieves in their own way and she don't want to go.Pete says I am an enabler for mom. they have no idea. I even act like I don't hear her sometimes so she'll get up and get her own coffee. I beg her to get dressed and lets go somewhere.  I always ask if she'd like to go somewhere or do something. I've tried to get her to go to the store with me and even offered to take the wheelchair. I told her anyday she is ready to go to the cemetary, I will take her. yes I do spoil her but not without some fussing too about her getting up and doing stuff. I even tell her she's getting lazy and could at least wash dishes once in a while but nothing seems to work. yeah she could go to sue and hear how she stinks or how her mother-n-law gets up and goes all the time or how silly she is over lord knows what. Teresa would be less hateful with her but it ain't her house. Do they just not get it or what? they are all so judgemental and pete even told me straight up he wanted to change me. I don't go enough or get around enough. He wants me to get dressed up and go with him to louisville to try a new coffee place. I think that's stupid. Once you get ready and drive, to lord knows where, get in with a bunch of disrespectful people, get and pay for a special coffee(too much), what do you have? a very expensive cup of coffee. Not worth the time and effort. besides I like mine black with no Latte or junk in it. I'm a horrible person. I don't need it. I have had a very fast paced, adrenaline filled, interesting life. I kind of like keeping it low key. My biggest problem is saying no when I see anyone needing anything. I find if I just keep to myself a little more I don't wind up in places where I usually wind up, on the s-list or used by someone when I have tried to be helpful.I am thankful I lived through my "wilder" days and just life. I have had guns in my face, chased theifs, seen horror and nursed for 40 years. why do they feel I am not capable of choosing where I wish to be and who I care to be with. I certainly don't want another marriage to probably a worse one than the first 3. whats the point. none. why is it so extreme to them that I am ok to hang here with mom and take care of her. we have had so much stress over jimmy, jamey, the house and all the crap gone on here and the loss of her child and my sister. I wish they could live and let live instead of making me feel inept or guilty or stupid. I think the way they rush to have everything so upity is stupid. they aren't proving anything to anyone. now volunteering and helping the weak and sick, that's at least a good thing to do. oh well. I don't usually judge them for the unecessary crap they buy and things they do but I get tired of hearing how I "should be or what I should do". My siblings have never just liked me for me. from the time I can remeber I have not been right or good enough. I've been yelled at, cussed, judged wrongly and I am so tired of it. very occasionally I get a little kudo. usually from Teresa. even she has had her say at me a few times over what I thought was more consoling her or helping or not quite highfilutting enough. oh well time to quit whinning and be thankful for what we do have and we do have many blessing. I will try to pray for patience and understanding. thank you lord for your blessings.

NOT TODAY

This seems to be the going statement. I have realized that although she never gets to the things she says she will do or cook or clean or sort, she never actually gets to it. She absolutely, somewhere in her mind thinks she will. she is back to smoking all the time and whining cause she feels guilty. she doesn't seem to get that all this money spent and things done around her chair are not a fulfilling life for anyone. mostly her. she is content to sit there and watch things go on and change nothing. I also realize that I have to start making decisions she may not be exactly happy with but needs to accept so we can actually live in this world. aunt lois seems to be settled in well at rachaels. she is very proud of the ramp put in for her. sue is to take her to the doc today. I am glad they all have such intense offerings for her. pete and tim are working on todd and his friends house to help him get moved in. funny, I been trying to get the oak st house fixed for two years. tony helped when I hunted him down and had money to pay(which was absolutely warranted.) he worked like a dog for several days with me. there is just a lot more needs done. but no volunteers for that. I don't know what I have done to make my family feel so allianated to me and my girls or if it is anything I've done at all. they call me controlling and spaz and other choice words but I don't feel any of that in me. I feel like I have tried to help whommever needed it when they needed it to protect or keep from harm. oh well I know if brought up it would all be different whether it really was or not. so I am what I am good bad or indifferent I don't think I can change much at this point except leave them alone and stay away from the hospital unless it is my mother. well gonna go clean out the freezer. Prayers for the day for a reasonable day with no crisis. life is so hard right now and I am having a really hard time picking myself up and making decisions. never had that problem before but the last few years have really opened my eyes to things I was not aware of. mostly I need to just not talk. just not talk. bye now thank you lord for the blessing we have. I do see a lot of them.

sleepless in Indiana

It's 4 AM and I am awake and can not seem to drift back off to sleep. I have had a cold or brochitis or something that seems to want to hang on. "turn me loose" comes to mind. I feel very blessed that we don't have the tragedys some have, but so tired and confused about life right now. since we lost Kaye, pete is like a ship out in the ocean without a oar or whatever you call it and now that they all have free time, seem to want to make changes in what we do here for the last three and a half years. Yes I am tired  and yes mom is spoiled but I realize that and am trying to get her to do more things. her life ,I mean Life, was cooking for others and that has been a battle since I have been here. trying to fix what SHE will eat and not army meals for everyone else. My words to her usually is that her want to list is bigger than my can do list. I learned that Adam will be going to afganistan and that really upsets me. we also lost another cousin. randy,who is son of lois and berry, died yesterday in a not so peaceful way I am told. Aunt lois will be coming here to stay with one of the neices. Unless that changes. After leaving their lake home that uncle berry built, they have lived in florence,Ky for many years. they lost their oldest son a few years back, then uncle berrry and now randy, who was trying to care for his mom the best he could. I think he knew he was sick much longer than he allowed anyone to know. he only had one lung and chose not to go through the general regimen of hell before death that some go through. when he and aunt lois came here to visit, I kind of got the inkling that he knew and did not want to discuss it so I did not. It seems our generation is fading quickly. things are just so stressful everywhere although we are blessed in the fact that so many are here and able to live life.  Sue has been with aunt lois this week and is to come home tomorrow I think. I went to pete's and helped him make the particians for his man cave and curtains for the windows. came home and stayed in bed pretty much the whole next day. I guess I wasn't feeling as well as I thought but wanted to get it done. also working on making a mans coat-jacket out of burlap bags for jacobs project at school. it will be usable but in no way perfect. they had a trash to treasure project and his was to make the jacket out of burlap bean bags. well we did it. hahahah it is too weird but does resemble a jacket.phyllis went to eye doc today and has to have cataract surgey but no retina damage(related to diabetes)she has been buying some of the groceries with the foodstamps she receives and watches mom when I have to be gone. she wasn't suppose to be here permanent but her neice kind of threw her out and she had no place to go so for the time it has worked out ok and she doesn't cause much expense and helps alot.well what she can. she is not too healthy herself. I finally got to see my grt grandaughter at her piano I gave her for christmas. she is such a little doll. she likes the piano.Aj and tiff are doing well and are going to church and trying to live right. laurie and anthony are even going to church and amanda(still in alabama)has church at home with her kids if they don't go to church. she lives in the biblebelt and hasn't found one to go to yet. Joey had an accident and got his face and eye cut. I told them to take him to a specialist but they went to ER and wound up having to take him to a specialist the next day cause he was hurting so bad. wound up that he was oozing the vitris fluid from his eye and could have had a lot of damage but they caught it in time. I wrote and called but have not heard from him since it happened. another blessing, cause if he lost his sight, his football career would be over and he loves it and is doing so well with it. he has received letters from a few different colleges already. I don't know if he will apply himself enough to get the grades but we'll keep praying and hope he does. the other children are doing ok. chris is trying to find his place.charlie is always busy with something. I hear good things about the ones in alabama but really have no idea. Jameson is my biggest trial right now. you are not allowed to speak in any authority to the boys right or wrong and I love them almost like my own and feel I have shown that plenty but he has an anger problem and wants to slam doors and act like it is ok. sometimes I want to slap the snaut out of him and other times just hold him and tell him it will be ok, when in my heart I am not sure it will ever be ok for him. jacob seems to get along pretty good but jamey has a hard time dealing with even the smallest of things in life. he is 22 and does not drive, he worries constantly about everything. the biggest fear of course is huntingtons disease which their mother is virtually dieing from as I write this. she has a feeding tube and can not function anymore. her husband took her to florida and is so far away none of us can get there much. the boys have gone down there a few times and try to send gifts on special dates. the mothers ring they bought her has yet to be topped. she absolutely loves it. I still grieve my sisters death and my living brothers lack of communication with the family. to be so smart he sure is stupid. well I guess I will go potty and try to sleep a few hours. mom goes to OBGYN today and belly doc thursday so I need to try to rest some. she's having a hard time dealing with all the stuff that is so backwards in our family right now. she has prayed unceasingly for her kids and sometimes feels let down. I try to tell her mom we all have to live this life and it ain't always a bed of roses but we have to accept the blessings we have and try to get on through it. I can't imagine having started in her world at 18 and seeing all the things so different for her at 83 it can't be easy to be unable to deal and trust someone to do it for you. it must be hard. well I know it is hard for her. I just don't know how to make it better. well I will say prayers for all and pray for the lord to have mercy on us. and please watch over our children and especially adam as he goes to help defend our country. and our president to stand fast for isreal and the hungry babys all over the world.and for bianca and family and laura and her family.Ken and nancy ashleys familyaunt lois. so many are in such peril. thank you lord

holidays without one

well it is a week now since we buried one of us and it still feels kind of numb. maybe it will always feel that way. you have to go on but the blank spot shows up everywhere. preparations for thanksgiving are being made and I simply have no desire to be involved in any of it. Not totally because we lost kaye but so much is so backwards in our family. my dad and his brothers all did their rounds with alcohol and I guess we expected it to be different for us. 4 of our children are plagued by the disease. although each of them have IQ's much greater than most, they can not get the addictive part lassoed. I thank God my girls didn't get into the drinking or drugs heavily. My daughters 3 wouldn't even think about it at this point and amanda's 6, well they are still pretty young so I am praying that doesn't play a big roll in their lives. Joe has gotten into football and loves it and that gives him a reason to be very careful about any cuttin up with either. Right now the finances are the worst they have been since I have been with mom and I am looking for a job I can physically do and keep up here. I took the responsibility with no resentment or expectations from anyone. the boys are going to have to put up some funds for the running of the house. jacob is still working and in school and jamie is working at home depot. jamie is still not comfortable driving a vehicle and I told him, it is not a requirement, just a convenience. but helping him find work and apt and all where he can be independant in this world is a difficult task for him. their mother is not doing well. She now has a feeding tube and hospus around the clock so it may not be long til we have another leave us. of course we know no one has the promise of tomorrow and God knows what will happen next. The toll on mother loosing a child has really been something we all didn't expect. she's not perfect by any means(like all of us) but she has prayed deligently for her kids. I have to tell her that we had kaye much longer than most in her condition but that doesn't give her much peace. she does find some in knowing that kaye had suffered so much the last few years and will no longer have to fight for each step, each word, each smile, each decision. I put the wheel in front for a while and it will be gone soon. we have to go on. prayers for all Mercy for all  love to all

sister

what does that mean. it means even if they don't like you, they love you. they will be the first to tell you, you are wrong, praise you if you're wonderful and stand up and throw down if anybody hurts you. we have lost one sister to heaven. I have so many mixed emotions right now I can't even begin to understand them myself. I think I hurt sue more than I realized with a wrong choice of words trying to understand her better and I know she's kind a lost her best friend. she and kaye were quite different than the rest of us. they had to go through things and help mom grow up and help raise the rest of us. I kind a got tim when he was born but they were in a different zone. when your parents start out it takes a while to know what to do and as you grow into a family, you learn so many things. so they got the first hard knocks and the rest of us got it a little better because they were there. I appreciate the difference in their dreams and goals. mine has been mostly nursing everyone I could physically and emotionally care for. we had to go through the hardest time for our family in all our lives. we had to give up one of us.we have lost a lot of loved ones but this was so much more painful. she was only 63 and fought with more than many would be able, to hang on and stay with us, but she just got too tired of the fight. she told mom not to worry, that she was ready to go and was so tired. she fought a hard battle and with pete's devotion and determenation and prayers, she was with us longer than most in her condition.with the sorrow I have had wonderful things also. I looked at my little AJ as a man today. he and his wife joined the church. tiffani,his wife, was baptized and they dedicated their precious little new baby to God. laurie and her family came to the funeral home and they all looked so nice and loving as usual and I was so proud of them. I actually got to talk to my daughter,amanda, about the situations that purely broke my heart and do feel some better about her and my relationship. my grandson joey got offense lineman of the year at his school and is part of the team winning the regional and going to semistate now and he is so proud to be part of it and doing more than great. so with all the hurt also comes joy.  little scarey, makes me wonder if something else is gonna happen, but I will try not to think with paranoid and worrisome thoughts. now if my brother jimmy could come around . I worry about him so much. he's dug himself into a hole we can't drag him out of and is not coming to many of the family. he did not come to the funeral home nor will he make the funeral probably. it has been a hard year and I think he will feel more guilt than anything else when he wakes up. I pray god will have mercy on all of us. I don't know what will bring him back.well I gotta get some rest. very hard day tomorow. we have to say our final goodbye and leave her alone.prayers for all and god bless

oh the pain

I am so confused right now. About life, family, God, love.  My sister is gone and everybody is stressed and at odds, spitting out venom, that is totally, what has either been discussed at the round table or thought to be and definitly not what is. I have to say, I too have some guilt there. It's easy to tell someone else what to do when you haven't walked in their shoes. I just think they could all ease up on mom. If she don't respond to their wants, they throw out some baloney to make her feel bad. Why is it necessary for her to take that long drive to ekron. yes it would be less stressful and yes it would give her a chance to see the place her child will lie in rest, but also make a hard week-end harder. It's cold, she's sad and undone, hurt. sue said we wouldn't get off our lazy asses and go over there to see kaye. not so. we did go when we got the ok from pete and mom was able. many times kaye said don't come or pete did when she felt up to going and offered to sit with her while pete worked in the yard etc. that was a no too. she 83. arthritis,heart problem,stroke, bad bad knee. IT IS HARD FOR HER TO GET UP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM MOST DAYS and when she cooks, she does so through me. I get the stuff out for her, I get the ingredients ready, I get the stuff from the garage she needs and I watch the flipping stove when she can't cause she has to sit down. do they not understand that. yes we smoke but you get tired of being told you stink in front of their social friends or that your feet are dirty or your bags look awful or you aren't dressed right. I got a whole the size of a quarter in my tongue already.pete didn't want a mom person to go with him, he wanted to try to make mom comfortable with kaye being in BFE when new albany has been her home most her life and all her family are here.they said nobody visits the graves. well I got news for them. YES they do. It is not for the dead, they are gone. but some of us feel a bit of comfort just to go be as near them as we can and just remember and cry a little and smile a little. we aren't idiots because we do. don't anybody realize that all people are not the same. I do commend him on trying to make her comfortable to ease his stress but her mind won't change and obviously we have no say so in it. mother would not mistreat pete knowingly, ever and would jump square on anyone that did, just like her own. he is our own and has been since he married kaye. he has been dad, uncle, fixer, teacher, best man, to proms, you name it he's been there, all the girls have helped with kaye and I thought my job was taking care of mom so they could. apparently I was wrong again.I was denied even seing her in the er after i did cpr to save her and the reason was that I would spaz and tell everybody what to do. so I guess that's how my family sees me. not that I kept a bad thing from happening because of my experience and when I don't know, I research til I do and keep my mouth shut or ask relevant questions. they call the ole spaz when things get gritty though. oh well such is life. we all have those days when you wish you could crawl in a hole and just cover it up. first sibling gone. we are ALL out of sorts. god help us all