dinner with the family

We had a very nice dinner with all of us except tonya. mom, sue, me, kim, tim, teresa, phil, steven,  and pete. It was nice but hard too. Not having kaye with her crooked little smile was hard. fighting back tears and trying to talk about things pleasant and also that adam, Kim's oldest son is going to afganistan in April. So it was good for the most of us to be together. Tim gave everybody longhorn steakhouse cards for christmas so we all went together and I had told him we'd spent ours but he wouldn't let us pay for dinner. I think mom did give him her card but I had given mine to laurie for charlie's B-day. he'd told her he'd like a steak dinner so I pulled it out and gave it to her. I really don't care so much to go out so anyway when this came up, I decided to go. Mom said if I didn't go with her, she wasn't going and I kind of think she thought I wouldn't and that could be her excuse not to go but I got us ready and went and it was ok. it's always ok, I just don't care to spend that much time and money on a steak I could fix at home. I am stressed to the max right now, trying to help laurie get the house done and trying to keep this house running and now the washer broke and mom is set on buying a set from jimmy which has not been used. our dryer is working and would have picked up a used one for a lot less but jacob is paying what we can't, so now I need a place for the dryer and we will have a new set, and now she wants to cook a big dinner for him for which I have to leave the house or he won't come and I must be gone to have the w/d delivered so although it is a pain in the butt I will go. he did not go to the dinner with us and is still mad at many of us mostly me and tim for a problem he made himself and for which I am still paying. he allowed the oak st house to go to ruin. but I am the heavy. My daughter moved in it and is trying to live there and we still don't have an adequate bathroom but still trying to get it done. if we apply for the city grant with me there then I can't apply for the VA or use mself as a dependant for mom$$$$$$$$ so I am between a rock and a hard place once again trying to decide what to do to keep from committing fraud on anything when I have 0000000 and just want to keep life sustained for the others who need it. I am trying hard not to be ugly or feel resentment toward anyone but I am so tired of hearing what I should do and all going to the aide of others when I have been trying for a year to get the house back in order. tony and jordan did come and do some. tony was paid. of course not what it would have cost from a "professional", but what I could and it is so close to being reasonable and no help???????Pete seemed lost without kaye again. It seemed to me he was on the verge of tears but he held it together well. he wants to stay a part of the family but I think it hurts him a lot when we are all together and she ain't there. very hard place to be for him. things are so much harder during this time in life than I ever expected it could be. even without tradgedys it is just so not smooth at all. Lord have mercy on us all.