morning

well looking out the window this morning, there is a beautiful blanket of snow on the ground. It causes quite a lot of little problems but is the first real snow we have had this year. the poor folks in henryville and throughout many towns across our country have been hit hard with tornados. 38 dead is the toll today. some search and rescue still going but mostly just cleaning up and rebuilding now. makes you realize how fortunate we are here right now. none of our family was hurt or damaged this time.  I am sleepy but don't seem to want to go back to bed. I am still reeling a bit over my talk with sue. I do love her and pete and all of them but she and pete can be so hateful and sometimes I just don't understand. She told me today that moms toliet is disgusting and nasty. we have a regular toliet and an elevator thing with arms on it for her to be able to get up and down easier. I clean it very much all the time so it is not nasty.  it helps her especially since her balance has been way off since her stroke. she loves her chair. they have called her hateful and stubborn and other things because she don't want to go to the cemetary to see where kaye is buried. she tells me she don't think she can stand to go see her under the dirt, and that to them, is stubborn. we weren't asked our opinion so why don't they leave it alone. everybody grieves in their own way and she don't want to go.Pete says I am an enabler for mom. they have no idea. I even act like I don't hear her sometimes so she'll get up and get her own coffee. I beg her to get dressed and lets go somewhere.  I always ask if she'd like to go somewhere or do something. I've tried to get her to go to the store with me and even offered to take the wheelchair. I told her anyday she is ready to go to the cemetary, I will take her. yes I do spoil her but not without some fussing too about her getting up and doing stuff. I even tell her she's getting lazy and could at least wash dishes once in a while but nothing seems to work. yeah she could go to sue and hear how she stinks or how her mother-n-law gets up and goes all the time or how silly she is over lord knows what. Teresa would be less hateful with her but it ain't her house. Do they just not get it or what? they are all so judgemental and pete even told me straight up he wanted to change me. I don't go enough or get around enough. He wants me to get dressed up and go with him to louisville to try a new coffee place. I think that's stupid. Once you get ready and drive, to lord knows where, get in with a bunch of disrespectful people, get and pay for a special coffee(too much), what do you have? a very expensive cup of coffee. Not worth the time and effort. besides I like mine black with no Latte or junk in it. I'm a horrible person. I don't need it. I have had a very fast paced, adrenaline filled, interesting life. I kind of like keeping it low key. My biggest problem is saying no when I see anyone needing anything. I find if I just keep to myself a little more I don't wind up in places where I usually wind up, on the s-list or used by someone when I have tried to be helpful.I am thankful I lived through my "wilder" days and just life. I have had guns in my face, chased theifs, seen horror and nursed for 40 years. why do they feel I am not capable of choosing where I wish to be and who I care to be with. I certainly don't want another marriage to probably a worse one than the first 3. whats the point. none. why is it so extreme to them that I am ok to hang here with mom and take care of her. we have had so much stress over jimmy, jamey, the house and all the crap gone on here and the loss of her child and my sister. I wish they could live and let live instead of making me feel inept or guilty or stupid. I think the way they rush to have everything so upity is stupid. they aren't proving anything to anyone. now volunteering and helping the weak and sick, that's at least a good thing to do. oh well. I don't usually judge them for the unecessary crap they buy and things they do but I get tired of hearing how I "should be or what I should do". My siblings have never just liked me for me. from the time I can remeber I have not been right or good enough. I've been yelled at, cussed, judged wrongly and I am so tired of it. very occasionally I get a little kudo. usually from Teresa. even she has had her say at me a few times over what I thought was more consoling her or helping or not quite highfilutting enough. oh well time to quit whinning and be thankful for what we do have and we do have many blessing. I will try to pray for patience and understanding. thank you lord for your blessings.