oh the pain

I am so confused right now. About life, family, God, love.  My sister is gone and everybody is stressed and at odds, spitting out venom, that is totally, what has either been discussed at the round table or thought to be and definitly not what is. I have to say, I too have some guilt there. It's easy to tell someone else what to do when you haven't walked in their shoes. I just think they could all ease up on mom. If she don't respond to their wants, they throw out some baloney to make her feel bad. Why is it necessary for her to take that long drive to ekron. yes it would be less stressful and yes it would give her a chance to see the place her child will lie in rest, but also make a hard week-end harder. It's cold, she's sad and undone, hurt. sue said we wouldn't get off our lazy asses and go over there to see kaye. not so. we did go when we got the ok from pete and mom was able. many times kaye said don't come or pete did when she felt up to going and offered to sit with her while pete worked in the yard etc. that was a no too. she 83. arthritis,heart problem,stroke, bad bad knee. IT IS HARD FOR HER TO GET UP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM MOST DAYS and when she cooks, she does so through me. I get the stuff out for her, I get the ingredients ready, I get the stuff from the garage she needs and I watch the flipping stove when she can't cause she has to sit down. do they not understand that. yes we smoke but you get tired of being told you stink in front of their social friends or that your feet are dirty or your bags look awful or you aren't dressed right. I got a whole the size of a quarter in my tongue already.pete didn't want a mom person to go with him, he wanted to try to make mom comfortable with kaye being in BFE when new albany has been her home most her life and all her family are here.they said nobody visits the graves. well I got news for them. YES they do. It is not for the dead, they are gone. but some of us feel a bit of comfort just to go be as near them as we can and just remember and cry a little and smile a little. we aren't idiots because we do. don't anybody realize that all people are not the same. I do commend him on trying to make her comfortable to ease his stress but her mind won't change and obviously we have no say so in it. mother would not mistreat pete knowingly, ever and would jump square on anyone that did, just like her own. he is our own and has been since he married kaye. he has been dad, uncle, fixer, teacher, best man, to proms, you name it he's been there, all the girls have helped with kaye and I thought my job was taking care of mom so they could. apparently I was wrong again.I was denied even seing her in the er after i did cpr to save her and the reason was that I would spaz and tell everybody what to do. so I guess that's how my family sees me. not that I kept a bad thing from happening because of my experience and when I don't know, I research til I do and keep my mouth shut or ask relevant questions. they call the ole spaz when things get gritty though. oh well such is life. we all have those days when you wish you could crawl in a hole and just cover it up. first sibling gone. we are ALL out of sorts. god help us all