holidays without one

well it is a week now since we buried one of us and it still feels kind of numb. maybe it will always feel that way. you have to go on but the blank spot shows up everywhere. preparations for thanksgiving are being made and I simply have no desire to be involved in any of it. Not totally because we lost kaye but so much is so backwards in our family. my dad and his brothers all did their rounds with alcohol and I guess we expected it to be different for us. 4 of our children are plagued by the disease. although each of them have IQ's much greater than most, they can not get the addictive part lassoed. I thank God my girls didn't get into the drinking or drugs heavily. My daughters 3 wouldn't even think about it at this point and amanda's 6, well they are still pretty young so I am praying that doesn't play a big roll in their lives. Joe has gotten into football and loves it and that gives him a reason to be very careful about any cuttin up with either. Right now the finances are the worst they have been since I have been with mom and I am looking for a job I can physically do and keep up here. I took the responsibility with no resentment or expectations from anyone. the boys are going to have to put up some funds for the running of the house. jacob is still working and in school and jamie is working at home depot. jamie is still not comfortable driving a vehicle and I told him, it is not a requirement, just a convenience. but helping him find work and apt and all where he can be independant in this world is a difficult task for him. their mother is not doing well. She now has a feeding tube and hospus around the clock so it may not be long til we have another leave us. of course we know no one has the promise of tomorrow and God knows what will happen next. The toll on mother loosing a child has really been something we all didn't expect. she's not perfect by any means(like all of us) but she has prayed deligently for her kids. I have to tell her that we had kaye much longer than most in her condition but that doesn't give her much peace. she does find some in knowing that kaye had suffered so much the last few years and will no longer have to fight for each step, each word, each smile, each decision. I put the wheel in front for a while and it will be gone soon. we have to go on. prayers for all Mercy for all  love to all