more little aggrevation

as usual, I am in a tither, trying to decide what I can do and can not do. I have accepted a job and have quickly learned why she has such a turn around of staff. there is no order in anything. I started and have not worked a shift yet and she has changed my schedule 3 times. so due to the fact that we need money so badly right now, I will go and do the best I can and hope things go well.I have to quickly change dayshift into night. it is not as easy to flip things here as others may think. I have lots of food prepared for her. Jake has to be able to get home after school and that will be an hour after dark which is where her fear comes in. I can call chris but if she can deal, it would be better to have no one and she has folks visit so I think she'll be ok and this may give me an in at maple manor who do not wish to hire me for some reason. I can work, I just have to watch repetious things. steps, ladders etc. I am upset with jake and jamey right now. jimmy gave them a printer,scanner,copier that is much cheaper and better than mine and I told both of them I would love to have it and I noticed it is gone from the garage now and was not offered to me. It hurts my feelings and I have spent so much on ink and made lots of copies for them and their medicaid(when it was being used)and taxes. I guess I have made myself a rug and allowed whomever to walk on me. the fact is nothing terrible has been done it is just stuff to keep you crazy and trying to do better or have a bit more or get that special thing for a grandchild.mainly trying to get a useable shower in my kids house and the siding and charlies room done.at least their life would be a little more stable. mom forgets so badly. that is my fear and the boys, if they know I am gone, can get away with anything,as I said, nothing horrible but I have to lock my room.they take things in and out without asking and It has been an issue. just another of the small issues I have had here. well I will close and say a prayer that things will work out. this job may prove to be not worth it, if she keeps calling me every day and changing it all. lord it is in your hands. sue took mom to the doc for me today so I could go to mine and they came back with a good report and the doc wants her to take lipoflavin for her ears. now they just told me(my sibs) she didn't need all this medicine.  I said well she don't need that and sue goes off with this well glenda the doctor said she should use it and they don't usually suggest things like that. well they do and we have taken the ones she really needs but I don't know what the hell they expect. docotors recommend whatever the last salesman brought or what they recall being used and put everybody in the same box. if you don't watch, you'll be taking 25 pills a day which the four or five docs ordered, neither knowing what is already being taken, and many of them are going back to home remedys or vitamins to cut down on cost for people. mom hears better than I do so "really" does she need another vitamin NO.  I have tried to explain this to my sibs, but they think I am a spaztic,paranoid freak I guess. that's what killed kaye. taking everything the doc said and not taking good care of herself and pilling everything to extreme instead of changing her diet and quit sucking down diet colas etc, but I am the dummy. oh well, my cigarettes will likely be my demise but it ain't like I don't know it, I just can't seem to quit so we all just do what we have to or what we think is best. realizing we are not all the same is one of the lessons a lot of us learn too late.try not to judge others if you don't live their life.

stuff

well It is 4 AM and here I am awake and ready to go but no where to go and my hip hurts so that I can not go much. When I woke, the house was so quite and that is disturbing as I usually hear Mothers 02 unit chiming. well I don't know for sure if I didn't turn it on or if she got up but it looks like the later cause the tube was stuck under the door and this is something I would not, normally, leave.I laid down at 2 and jacob wasn't home yet and at 3:30 the kitchen light was out so It may have awakened me when he come in just enough to arouse after he went downstairs. I need to call pete and reschedule our date cause I had already accidently made one on the same day involving more than just he and I. I worry about him and sometimes I want to knock the crap out of him. Jameson finnally did it. he went to jail for public intoxication and when I said something to pete he kind of boldly said, don't you go get him out. this coming from the man who along with my sister would have spent the last dime they had getting their boy out of trouble and use any excuse to fix it. david is trying to stay sober but don't always make it. at least jamey don't drive a car and ruin finances that way,or chance hurting innocents. pete was alarmed that david told me. I'm like, was it suppose to be a secret. I mean did we really think some of our children would not have these problems. and boy do they. BUT, I have several, well a few friends ,downtown who know the name well and gave me a heads up and it is the hardest thing to sit and do nothing. they need to go through the consequences but it is heartwrenching for the ones at home. but I have learned running to their rescue can hurt as well as help more times than not. I learned that joey is not doing well at all in school and will not be able to play football or go to college.which sets him up to do what many of or young have done. rebel and drink and smoke. I hope to get him some during springbreak and try to convince him it is worth it to try harder. I always felt like there was a block somewhere to his ability to organize and learn, even though he is very intelligent. I begged for counclers and whomever to check him for mild autism to no avail. he was a welfare baby and I couldn't get any help. I remember, when I was in school, thinking how stupid it was to worry about learning this stuff which is not logically gonna help me in my life and having a horrible time trying to be still and focus and our parents couldn't do much but work and feed/clothe us. there wasn't much grounding cause we didn't get to do anything. when you have 7, you don't tend to notice the evils that lay quitely in the mind. I did finally learn that some of that stupid stuff just gets you to a higher level of knowledge which helps you figure things out on a social level or something. Joey has always been more preceptive than most young people or people in general but never could accept athority nor understand why he was punished even if he was right.  due to his mothers constant battles, he has lost so much of what was good in his life and since she moved to alabama and they have virtually removed me from any situation, I think he has been adversely affected by this as well. I don't see him near enough to watch and help. now I am trying to decide if I need to go to the school and try to punch another round of rules and assistance to help him finish. he has one more year and he was so up about the football and this has crushed him. don't know if drugs or drinking is involved but I need to try to find out if there is anything I can do. mother is not doing well. my siblings keep asking why don't I do  this and that but the fact is, since I came here she has been in a down slide. she has been so sick and so close to death and it is pretty much (here)been changed to a mini nursing home to abide her wishes and care for her needs. she told me once don't take my cooking away, I'll die. she has held on to this means of attention, caring and giving to the point she could not change it to something else and god knows I have tried. but I could not keep up with the constant mess and the huge meals we didn't eat and the constant outgo of money and throwing away food but not allowing me to get rid of stuff we haven't used in 5 years. I wanted her to be cared for in her own home. I have heard many many you ought to's but I don't think my sib's realize how the situation rolls here and yes I would love a break, but she does not want me to be anywhere she is not and that I suppose is my fault. back in september of 08 I really thought she was going to leave us and I'd wind up taking care of her husband til he passed. then in november he passed and she was still hanging in and finally got to a point life was once again worth living to her. since Kaye passed, she has tried to feel better but it has taken such a toll on her, I don't think she can overcome. she felt betrayed by god and no matter how much you pray or know god sometimes you can just not understand why it has to be the way it is. she said one day, I can't believe what is going on in my family, I have prayed so hard and long for peace/ I just told her mom, we have had many blessings and answered prayers and you can't give up. you are the prayer warrior and if you do nothing but that, it is important for our family. that seemed to put her at ease a bit. I really want to go back to work but I am not sure I am truly able. if I don't my SSI won't be much. I worked since I was 14 and now the few years left I am here which is my choice but it will deplete my benefits drastically unless our pres new laws go through.my family has a hard time understanding me but I have always been different and didn't see things the way they do. my older sibs seem to have been caught at the top of the seven and had it pretty rough and dad wasn't very good to sue. I think he loved her but there was a tension from family that wouldn't let him love her. my younger sib's were caught after dad became ill and did not receive the benefit(or pressure) of a father figure. Jimmy was a god til timmy came along and dad didn't have much use for jimmy after that and then he had the aneurism and didn't care for any of us. me and teresa were kind of in the middle and got some of both ends so many different views from the 7 of us and some of it brings us closer and some tears us totally apart. I believe the bond between us is strong even through all the bull. I grieve a lot over my brother. I try not to but he had a rough go being in a home with 6 women and then loosing his place in the godship of my fathers eyes. I know I dwell on these things too much but I have tried so hard to protect my family to learn that It was looked at in a totally different way than I gave. we were never allowed to express feeliings of discontent or anger. mom grew up in a house of terror kind of and she could not deal with loud voices and fighting and discontent. we didn't know the damage this would cause until much later and I don't know if the sibs even know it. we kept secrets beyond the norm for kids etc. don't tell, don't yell, don't upset anyone and then when dad got sick it just multiplied the problem 10x's more. I am glad my girls didn't do drugs or drink heavily but their lost was pitiful fathers as well. we were looking for love so hard and I personally picked badly. but of course they wouldn't be here had it gone another way so who can say what is to be or why. I know I love my family and whether they believe it or not, my goal has been to protect and help where I could. didn't expect or want any martyrdom ,which I have also been accused of so I will just do the best I can and try to hang in til the lord calls us home. I will try to remeber to thank the lord for the blessings and pray alot for adams safe return. we have been blessed not to have lost any of our boys in these horrible war zones but now he has been deployed too an area that was bad already and due to an inccident where one of our troops killed friendlys in their homes even children and old folks even the good guys don't like us there, so I pray he will be safe. that kind of loss has got to be unbearable. I don't know if babygirl could withstand it. prayers for all and lord thank you for the blessings we do receive. let us all try to understand that it is so much bigger than what we see here on earth, and embrace eachother in love and try to make life tolerable for those less forunate is my prayer for this day. it is the day the lord made and I will try my best to be glad in it.

my hermit status

I guess I just think too much but after the pain in my hand and hip has stayed for 3-4 days, I went to my little doc and have been lined up for many tests which will tell me what we already know but must be done to prove what is needed. I was also thinking about how all the allergys and weirdness has effected my life. I have kind of been made fun of because I didn't want to go all the time but when I look at my list of problems, I'm thinking it may have been my way of subconsciously protecting myself. I actually sat down and made a list of things I have had happen to me over the years. I am allergic to so many things. Medicine does not work for me like a lot of people. my stomach has always been sensitive to the point of peptic ulcers at age 9. so it has been a constant rift.  I can walk pass someone with heavy perfume on and sneeze for an hour. this happened at work and in malls and various places I have gone. I am afraid of the dark, water, heights, and am claustrophobic. I didn't even realize this until I went for an MRI and bout went nuts trying to get out of it. I was watching a show about slunking and when the guy got in a tight spot and took his hard hat off I was on the edge of the couch breathing hard and realized I needed to turn it off. I wanted him out of there. what a fun life. I don't really know if I am that sensitive or if I spend too much time thinking about what my body says to me. whatever, it has been a great irritation to me all my life. so, I stay in my little pre-fixed-non allergic,safe place to be happy.  I have always found lots to do at home with little projects and sewing and things. oh well a thought for this morning.  maybe I am not a nut. I think it is ok to be a bit nutty. I, like many, don't deal with big changes well although I have had to on many occassions change everything in my life. My choice, although it wasn't always as easy as it seemed. prayers for all today and a special one for Adam, Bianca, Brenda, all our friends fighting diseases and our country and boys fighting these horrible wars and those poor people involved in them. so sad. til later

dinner with the family

We had a very nice dinner with all of us except tonya. mom, sue, me, kim, tim, teresa, phil, steven,  and pete. It was nice but hard too. Not having kaye with her crooked little smile was hard. fighting back tears and trying to talk about things pleasant and also that adam, Kim's oldest son is going to afganistan in April. So it was good for the most of us to be together. Tim gave everybody longhorn steakhouse cards for christmas so we all went together and I had told him we'd spent ours but he wouldn't let us pay for dinner. I think mom did give him her card but I had given mine to laurie for charlie's B-day. he'd told her he'd like a steak dinner so I pulled it out and gave it to her. I really don't care so much to go out so anyway when this came up, I decided to go. Mom said if I didn't go with her, she wasn't going and I kind of think she thought I wouldn't and that could be her excuse not to go but I got us ready and went and it was ok. it's always ok, I just don't care to spend that much time and money on a steak I could fix at home. I am stressed to the max right now, trying to help laurie get the house done and trying to keep this house running and now the washer broke and mom is set on buying a set from jimmy which has not been used. our dryer is working and would have picked up a used one for a lot less but jacob is paying what we can't, so now I need a place for the dryer and we will have a new set, and now she wants to cook a big dinner for him for which I have to leave the house or he won't come and I must be gone to have the w/d delivered so although it is a pain in the butt I will go. he did not go to the dinner with us and is still mad at many of us mostly me and tim for a problem he made himself and for which I am still paying. he allowed the oak st house to go to ruin. but I am the heavy. My daughter moved in it and is trying to live there and we still don't have an adequate bathroom but still trying to get it done. if we apply for the city grant with me there then I can't apply for the VA or use mself as a dependant for mom$$$$$$$$ so I am between a rock and a hard place once again trying to decide what to do to keep from committing fraud on anything when I have 0000000 and just want to keep life sustained for the others who need it. I am trying hard not to be ugly or feel resentment toward anyone but I am so tired of hearing what I should do and all going to the aide of others when I have been trying for a year to get the house back in order. tony and jordan did come and do some. tony was paid. of course not what it would have cost from a "professional", but what I could and it is so close to being reasonable and no help???????Pete seemed lost without kaye again. It seemed to me he was on the verge of tears but he held it together well. he wants to stay a part of the family but I think it hurts him a lot when we are all together and she ain't there. very hard place to be for him. things are so much harder during this time in life than I ever expected it could be. even without tradgedys it is just so not smooth at all. Lord have mercy on us all.

morning

well looking out the window this morning, there is a beautiful blanket of snow on the ground. It causes quite a lot of little problems but is the first real snow we have had this year. the poor folks in henryville and throughout many towns across our country have been hit hard with tornados. 38 dead is the toll today. some search and rescue still going but mostly just cleaning up and rebuilding now. makes you realize how fortunate we are here right now. none of our family was hurt or damaged this time.  I am sleepy but don't seem to want to go back to bed. I am still reeling a bit over my talk with sue. I do love her and pete and all of them but she and pete can be so hateful and sometimes I just don't understand. She told me today that moms toliet is disgusting and nasty. we have a regular toliet and an elevator thing with arms on it for her to be able to get up and down easier. I clean it very much all the time so it is not nasty.  it helps her especially since her balance has been way off since her stroke. she loves her chair. they have called her hateful and stubborn and other things because she don't want to go to the cemetary to see where kaye is buried. she tells me she don't think she can stand to go see her under the dirt, and that to them, is stubborn. we weren't asked our opinion so why don't they leave it alone. everybody grieves in their own way and she don't want to go.Pete says I am an enabler for mom. they have no idea. I even act like I don't hear her sometimes so she'll get up and get her own coffee. I beg her to get dressed and lets go somewhere.  I always ask if she'd like to go somewhere or do something. I've tried to get her to go to the store with me and even offered to take the wheelchair. I told her anyday she is ready to go to the cemetary, I will take her. yes I do spoil her but not without some fussing too about her getting up and doing stuff. I even tell her she's getting lazy and could at least wash dishes once in a while but nothing seems to work. yeah she could go to sue and hear how she stinks or how her mother-n-law gets up and goes all the time or how silly she is over lord knows what. Teresa would be less hateful with her but it ain't her house. Do they just not get it or what? they are all so judgemental and pete even told me straight up he wanted to change me. I don't go enough or get around enough. He wants me to get dressed up and go with him to louisville to try a new coffee place. I think that's stupid. Once you get ready and drive, to lord knows where, get in with a bunch of disrespectful people, get and pay for a special coffee(too much), what do you have? a very expensive cup of coffee. Not worth the time and effort. besides I like mine black with no Latte or junk in it. I'm a horrible person. I don't need it. I have had a very fast paced, adrenaline filled, interesting life. I kind of like keeping it low key. My biggest problem is saying no when I see anyone needing anything. I find if I just keep to myself a little more I don't wind up in places where I usually wind up, on the s-list or used by someone when I have tried to be helpful.I am thankful I lived through my "wilder" days and just life. I have had guns in my face, chased theifs, seen horror and nursed for 40 years. why do they feel I am not capable of choosing where I wish to be and who I care to be with. I certainly don't want another marriage to probably a worse one than the first 3. whats the point. none. why is it so extreme to them that I am ok to hang here with mom and take care of her. we have had so much stress over jimmy, jamey, the house and all the crap gone on here and the loss of her child and my sister. I wish they could live and let live instead of making me feel inept or guilty or stupid. I think the way they rush to have everything so upity is stupid. they aren't proving anything to anyone. now volunteering and helping the weak and sick, that's at least a good thing to do. oh well. I don't usually judge them for the unecessary crap they buy and things they do but I get tired of hearing how I "should be or what I should do". My siblings have never just liked me for me. from the time I can remeber I have not been right or good enough. I've been yelled at, cussed, judged wrongly and I am so tired of it. very occasionally I get a little kudo. usually from Teresa. even she has had her say at me a few times over what I thought was more consoling her or helping or not quite highfilutting enough. oh well time to quit whinning and be thankful for what we do have and we do have many blessing. I will try to pray for patience and understanding. thank you lord for your blessings.

NOT TODAY

This seems to be the going statement. I have realized that although she never gets to the things she says she will do or cook or clean or sort, she never actually gets to it. She absolutely, somewhere in her mind thinks she will. she is back to smoking all the time and whining cause she feels guilty. she doesn't seem to get that all this money spent and things done around her chair are not a fulfilling life for anyone. mostly her. she is content to sit there and watch things go on and change nothing. I also realize that I have to start making decisions she may not be exactly happy with but needs to accept so we can actually live in this world. aunt lois seems to be settled in well at rachaels. she is very proud of the ramp put in for her. sue is to take her to the doc today. I am glad they all have such intense offerings for her. pete and tim are working on todd and his friends house to help him get moved in. funny, I been trying to get the oak st house fixed for two years. tony helped when I hunted him down and had money to pay(which was absolutely warranted.) he worked like a dog for several days with me. there is just a lot more needs done. but no volunteers for that. I don't know what I have done to make my family feel so allianated to me and my girls or if it is anything I've done at all. they call me controlling and spaz and other choice words but I don't feel any of that in me. I feel like I have tried to help whommever needed it when they needed it to protect or keep from harm. oh well I know if brought up it would all be different whether it really was or not. so I am what I am good bad or indifferent I don't think I can change much at this point except leave them alone and stay away from the hospital unless it is my mother. well gonna go clean out the freezer. Prayers for the day for a reasonable day with no crisis. life is so hard right now and I am having a really hard time picking myself up and making decisions. never had that problem before but the last few years have really opened my eyes to things I was not aware of. mostly I need to just not talk. just not talk. bye now thank you lord for the blessing we have. I do see a lot of them.

sleepless in Indiana

It's 4 AM and I am awake and can not seem to drift back off to sleep. I have had a cold or brochitis or something that seems to want to hang on. "turn me loose" comes to mind. I feel very blessed that we don't have the tragedys some have, but so tired and confused about life right now. since we lost Kaye, pete is like a ship out in the ocean without a oar or whatever you call it and now that they all have free time, seem to want to make changes in what we do here for the last three and a half years. Yes I am tired  and yes mom is spoiled but I realize that and am trying to get her to do more things. her life ,I mean Life, was cooking for others and that has been a battle since I have been here. trying to fix what SHE will eat and not army meals for everyone else. My words to her usually is that her want to list is bigger than my can do list. I learned that Adam will be going to afganistan and that really upsets me. we also lost another cousin. randy,who is son of lois and berry, died yesterday in a not so peaceful way I am told. Aunt lois will be coming here to stay with one of the neices. Unless that changes. After leaving their lake home that uncle berry built, they have lived in florence,Ky for many years. they lost their oldest son a few years back, then uncle berrry and now randy, who was trying to care for his mom the best he could. I think he knew he was sick much longer than he allowed anyone to know. he only had one lung and chose not to go through the general regimen of hell before death that some go through. when he and aunt lois came here to visit, I kind of got the inkling that he knew and did not want to discuss it so I did not. It seems our generation is fading quickly. things are just so stressful everywhere although we are blessed in the fact that so many are here and able to live life.  Sue has been with aunt lois this week and is to come home tomorrow I think. I went to pete's and helped him make the particians for his man cave and curtains for the windows. came home and stayed in bed pretty much the whole next day. I guess I wasn't feeling as well as I thought but wanted to get it done. also working on making a mans coat-jacket out of burlap bags for jacobs project at school. it will be usable but in no way perfect. they had a trash to treasure project and his was to make the jacket out of burlap bean bags. well we did it. hahahah it is too weird but does resemble a jacket.phyllis went to eye doc today and has to have cataract surgey but no retina damage(related to diabetes)she has been buying some of the groceries with the foodstamps she receives and watches mom when I have to be gone. she wasn't suppose to be here permanent but her neice kind of threw her out and she had no place to go so for the time it has worked out ok and she doesn't cause much expense and helps alot.well what she can. she is not too healthy herself. I finally got to see my grt grandaughter at her piano I gave her for christmas. she is such a little doll. she likes the piano.Aj and tiff are doing well and are going to church and trying to live right. laurie and anthony are even going to church and amanda(still in alabama)has church at home with her kids if they don't go to church. she lives in the biblebelt and hasn't found one to go to yet. Joey had an accident and got his face and eye cut. I told them to take him to a specialist but they went to ER and wound up having to take him to a specialist the next day cause he was hurting so bad. wound up that he was oozing the vitris fluid from his eye and could have had a lot of damage but they caught it in time. I wrote and called but have not heard from him since it happened. another blessing, cause if he lost his sight, his football career would be over and he loves it and is doing so well with it. he has received letters from a few different colleges already. I don't know if he will apply himself enough to get the grades but we'll keep praying and hope he does. the other children are doing ok. chris is trying to find his place.charlie is always busy with something. I hear good things about the ones in alabama but really have no idea. Jameson is my biggest trial right now. you are not allowed to speak in any authority to the boys right or wrong and I love them almost like my own and feel I have shown that plenty but he has an anger problem and wants to slam doors and act like it is ok. sometimes I want to slap the snaut out of him and other times just hold him and tell him it will be ok, when in my heart I am not sure it will ever be ok for him. jacob seems to get along pretty good but jamey has a hard time dealing with even the smallest of things in life. he is 22 and does not drive, he worries constantly about everything. the biggest fear of course is huntingtons disease which their mother is virtually dieing from as I write this. she has a feeding tube and can not function anymore. her husband took her to florida and is so far away none of us can get there much. the boys have gone down there a few times and try to send gifts on special dates. the mothers ring they bought her has yet to be topped. she absolutely loves it. I still grieve my sisters death and my living brothers lack of communication with the family. to be so smart he sure is stupid. well I guess I will go potty and try to sleep a few hours. mom goes to OBGYN today and belly doc thursday so I need to try to rest some. she's having a hard time dealing with all the stuff that is so backwards in our family right now. she has prayed unceasingly for her kids and sometimes feels let down. I try to tell her mom we all have to live this life and it ain't always a bed of roses but we have to accept the blessings we have and try to get on through it. I can't imagine having started in her world at 18 and seeing all the things so different for her at 83 it can't be easy to be unable to deal and trust someone to do it for you. it must be hard. well I know it is hard for her. I just don't know how to make it better. well I will say prayers for all and pray for the lord to have mercy on us. and please watch over our children and especially adam as he goes to help defend our country. and our president to stand fast for isreal and the hungry babys all over the world.and for bianca and family and laura and her family.Ken and nancy ashleys familyaunt lois. so many are in such peril. thank you lord