stuff

well It is 4 AM and here I am awake and ready to go but no where to go and my hip hurts so that I can not go much. When I woke, the house was so quite and that is disturbing as I usually hear Mothers 02 unit chiming. well I don't know for sure if I didn't turn it on or if she got up but it looks like the later cause the tube was stuck under the door and this is something I would not, normally, leave.I laid down at 2 and jacob wasn't home yet and at 3:30 the kitchen light was out so It may have awakened me when he come in just enough to arouse after he went downstairs. I need to call pete and reschedule our date cause I had already accidently made one on the same day involving more than just he and I. I worry about him and sometimes I want to knock the crap out of him. Jameson finnally did it. he went to jail for public intoxication and when I said something to pete he kind of boldly said, don't you go get him out. this coming from the man who along with my sister would have spent the last dime they had getting their boy out of trouble and use any excuse to fix it. david is trying to stay sober but don't always make it. at least jamey don't drive a car and ruin finances that way,or chance hurting innocents. pete was alarmed that david told me. I'm like, was it suppose to be a secret. I mean did we really think some of our children would not have these problems. and boy do they. BUT, I have several, well a few friends ,downtown who know the name well and gave me a heads up and it is the hardest thing to sit and do nothing. they need to go through the consequences but it is heartwrenching for the ones at home. but I have learned running to their rescue can hurt as well as help more times than not. I learned that joey is not doing well at all in school and will not be able to play football or go to college.which sets him up to do what many of or young have done. rebel and drink and smoke. I hope to get him some during springbreak and try to convince him it is worth it to try harder. I always felt like there was a block somewhere to his ability to organize and learn, even though he is very intelligent. I begged for counclers and whomever to check him for mild autism to no avail. he was a welfare baby and I couldn't get any help. I remember, when I was in school, thinking how stupid it was to worry about learning this stuff which is not logically gonna help me in my life and having a horrible time trying to be still and focus and our parents couldn't do much but work and feed/clothe us. there wasn't much grounding cause we didn't get to do anything. when you have 7, you don't tend to notice the evils that lay quitely in the mind. I did finally learn that some of that stupid stuff just gets you to a higher level of knowledge which helps you figure things out on a social level or something. Joey has always been more preceptive than most young people or people in general but never could accept athority nor understand why he was punished even if he was right.  due to his mothers constant battles, he has lost so much of what was good in his life and since she moved to alabama and they have virtually removed me from any situation, I think he has been adversely affected by this as well. I don't see him near enough to watch and help. now I am trying to decide if I need to go to the school and try to punch another round of rules and assistance to help him finish. he has one more year and he was so up about the football and this has crushed him. don't know if drugs or drinking is involved but I need to try to find out if there is anything I can do. mother is not doing well. my siblings keep asking why don't I do  this and that but the fact is, since I came here she has been in a down slide. she has been so sick and so close to death and it is pretty much (here)been changed to a mini nursing home to abide her wishes and care for her needs. she told me once don't take my cooking away, I'll die. she has held on to this means of attention, caring and giving to the point she could not change it to something else and god knows I have tried. but I could not keep up with the constant mess and the huge meals we didn't eat and the constant outgo of money and throwing away food but not allowing me to get rid of stuff we haven't used in 5 years. I wanted her to be cared for in her own home. I have heard many many you ought to's but I don't think my sib's realize how the situation rolls here and yes I would love a break, but she does not want me to be anywhere she is not and that I suppose is my fault. back in september of 08 I really thought she was going to leave us and I'd wind up taking care of her husband til he passed. then in november he passed and she was still hanging in and finally got to a point life was once again worth living to her. since Kaye passed, she has tried to feel better but it has taken such a toll on her, I don't think she can overcome. she felt betrayed by god and no matter how much you pray or know god sometimes you can just not understand why it has to be the way it is. she said one day, I can't believe what is going on in my family, I have prayed so hard and long for peace/ I just told her mom, we have had many blessings and answered prayers and you can't give up. you are the prayer warrior and if you do nothing but that, it is important for our family. that seemed to put her at ease a bit. I really want to go back to work but I am not sure I am truly able. if I don't my SSI won't be much. I worked since I was 14 and now the few years left I am here which is my choice but it will deplete my benefits drastically unless our pres new laws go through.my family has a hard time understanding me but I have always been different and didn't see things the way they do. my older sibs seem to have been caught at the top of the seven and had it pretty rough and dad wasn't very good to sue. I think he loved her but there was a tension from family that wouldn't let him love her. my younger sib's were caught after dad became ill and did not receive the benefit(or pressure) of a father figure. Jimmy was a god til timmy came along and dad didn't have much use for jimmy after that and then he had the aneurism and didn't care for any of us. me and teresa were kind of in the middle and got some of both ends so many different views from the 7 of us and some of it brings us closer and some tears us totally apart. I believe the bond between us is strong even through all the bull. I grieve a lot over my brother. I try not to but he had a rough go being in a home with 6 women and then loosing his place in the godship of my fathers eyes. I know I dwell on these things too much but I have tried so hard to protect my family to learn that It was looked at in a totally different way than I gave. we were never allowed to express feeliings of discontent or anger. mom grew up in a house of terror kind of and she could not deal with loud voices and fighting and discontent. we didn't know the damage this would cause until much later and I don't know if the sibs even know it. we kept secrets beyond the norm for kids etc. don't tell, don't yell, don't upset anyone and then when dad got sick it just multiplied the problem 10x's more. I am glad my girls didn't do drugs or drink heavily but their lost was pitiful fathers as well. we were looking for love so hard and I personally picked badly. but of course they wouldn't be here had it gone another way so who can say what is to be or why. I know I love my family and whether they believe it or not, my goal has been to protect and help where I could. didn't expect or want any martyrdom ,which I have also been accused of so I will just do the best I can and try to hang in til the lord calls us home. I will try to remeber to thank the lord for the blessings and pray alot for adams safe return. we have been blessed not to have lost any of our boys in these horrible war zones but now he has been deployed too an area that was bad already and due to an inccident where one of our troops killed friendlys in their homes even children and old folks even the good guys don't like us there, so I pray he will be safe. that kind of loss has got to be unbearable. I don't know if babygirl could withstand it. prayers for all and lord thank you for the blessings we do receive. let us all try to understand that it is so much bigger than what we see here on earth, and embrace eachother in love and try to make life tolerable for those less forunate is my prayer for this day. it is the day the lord made and I will try my best to be glad in it.