the toliet

I am so angry right now. we had, I thought, gotten over the toilet issue, but when I was gone today my brother came in and installed a very nice new toilet cause they know I said we didn't need one and sue thought it was disgusting. he also put a grab bar on the side for her to pull up on. of course she likes it. it is lower than the one she is used to but will probably be fine. I would have appreciated at least them saying to my face, we don't give a damn what you say, we're doing it anyway. when my kid don't even have a shower installed and the toliet downstairs and the fart fan don't work and the door brick is falling off and the deck needs painted and waterproofed but no they had to put a new toliet in. so be it. it is not that the toilet isn't ok, it is that they did it behind my back under the guise that I had said I didn't want to fool with all that. you can't tell my siblings no. now I will have to move the fricking cabinet to get the lid off the damn thing and although this is mothers house I feel there will be many changes after she is gone. It is in no way my home and this just proves it again. the flowers teresa planted along the outer side of the carport. they are beautiful but none of them come weed eat between them and I don't need anymore to do. It's just the idea and the way they did it. the back ridge needs weeded but it cost in excess of 400 to get it done so they could have done that. I am just tired of being overlooked, misunderstood and treated like I have no brain cause I don't need all the crap they think is important. so I hope they are happy. a few more of these and I will let them have the whole bag of beans. they'd sell the house and stick her in a nursing home in a week, not giving jacob and jamey a second thought. I am just tired of it all and they don't have a clue about most anything that goes in this place.

well here we are. we went to sues for aunt lois birthday dinner and suzy put it on uniquely as usual. it is still hard not to see kaye sitting at one end of the table with that little crooked smile waiting to have something yummy. pete came in, mom had ask that he not bring his woman just yet. she didn't think she could deal with it and he came alone.racheal and her family were there and some of lois friends from cinn  and kim came.kim looked tired and angry or forelorn.I know she was tired and they haven't heard from adam yet and he was on his way to afganistan. how awful it must be to send a son or daughter to war. I can not fathom how I would deal. I'd probably catch the next plane over so I could watch out for them.my laurie has done something to her back and there is a knot on the lower thorasic spin. then AJ called and his breaks went out. he asked if he could use the carport and did and got it partially fixed but it made it home and mom came out at 1200 when they'd just left to tell him he could leave it here if he needed to. him and laurie and her other two have been here when we need them every time. then jacob came home and let me know something is wrong with the upflush toliet. thankfully it is not running over but will have to be dealt with now. I worked one shift and enjoyed it but I need to work non stop to catch us up and fix everything.jacob will help but man I am so tired of all this going sideways. no we haven't lived a perfect life but who has. I long for some gentle peace in our lives, but I fear that will only come when the lord comes back. this world has grown so scarey and hard to understand. people just act like everything is the same.well lord help us all. good night.

what is going on

well no one else has died and we have roofs over our heads and food. this life is getting so busy and I am not sure if it is cause you know more what needs to be done or age makes it harder to get it all done. Randy died.Lois moved here with racheal. kim and sue went down and packed up what she felt she wanted to keep and brought her here. Randy did not want any todo for his life.just to be cremated and put between his mom and dad. I just heard that he had 7 or more children. we knew more of their son JC who died a few years back. that is when randy came to her and took care of them the best he could. he was diagnosed with cancer on or before 2008. his daughter bridget got his pretty new red car. aunt lois didn't seem to care about it. she has not had any communication with her other grandchildren since their dad died. apparently due to the money being put in randys name and taken out of their oldest grandsons. I don't know if they even know what is going on. so sad. she seems to tolerate whatever happens. it must be very hard.  I am not sure kim and racheal realize what they have taken on. it seems that I am no longer needed for any advice or help with any medical questions or needs. I have heard that I am a spaz and many other little things. controling. I don't think my siblings know me at all. I keep feeling like I need to explain my actions. they don't know that mom has the ultimate decision in what we do. she doesn't want to go with "them" 9 out of ten times. I do what she wants, how she wants it and they call her stupid or stubborn or lazy like none of these decisions are hard to make. yet they run to aunt lois and treat her like glass. I don't get it. oh well.  bianca is doing chemo, laura and gerry are in the hospital with his heart, brenda is not doing well, tracy battles with chrons, joey has permenant damage in his eye after his wreck, mom is very sick and I am trying to get it turned around before she needs the hospital. she don't want to go to the hospital. she is slowing down the smokes now, cause she can't smoke with the infection she has now. I found out her labia is growing together so we have cream to get that turned around, she has to go get a skin cancer removed wed. laurie has a white dot snydrome of some kind in her eyes, ashleys dad died, jamey and jimmy are sad. jamey has to hate me right now I think, but he's never been told no and has an anger problem. he is already angry and doesn't listen and gets mad before he even knows what you are gonna say. jimmy is still mad at me over the house, which still has no working bathroom and the backroom is not usable and the siding is not done but I am the heavy. I don't write about the "man" in my life. we haven't been together physically for over 5 years and he still keeps buying cigerettes and asking to get together. I quit saying no I just don't communicate anymore. he is baptist and thinks once you're saved, always saved. I told him I did not want to go to hell for being an adulter. he says we aren't hurting anyone. he doesn't hear me when I say yeah we are, ME. I keep thinking about starting a gospel group and stretching my voice back out to be able to sing at all. I do realize it won't ever be the same but at least maybe give back where it should have been in the first place. I didn't like being different than my siblings and it made things very hard for me and they did not get it. I hated that I was the "one" with the different personality, talent, adhd, attention, more attention from dad which looked like I was his favorite but it was the voice and my need to be close and nurse feelings or health issues that put me there most the time. It was wonderful in the eyes of many but a torment for me on many occassions. they don't know that I mentally break if they are ill and need help and I can't go. if there is any little thing I can do instead of passing it by. I am happy at home and have no lack of something to do. don't feel the need for "more" things, money, entertainment etc. I just don't like planes, out to eat, theatres, shopping for what I can't buy, waste. it hurts me to even know about the poor people in other countries and how oblivious the people in our country seem to be. things are not good and everyone just acts like things will never change and they are every day and not for the best. just read revelations. well I will close this as I am not able to be positive at all. I know if you pray and believe you should be able to move on in your life and I have a hard time with that sometimes although I pray constantly, I still fear so much and worry and I am trying to learn not to do that but it is hard. I am a natural worrier. later

today I begin the rest of my life. I enjoyed working last night and I am so sore I can hardly move but Move I will and with the lords help I will do this job and get things in a better shape. it always boggles my mind, how my family looks at other people with such compassion but have no idea why I do things I do. pete got this woman and she is so sad and he just wants to help her and comfort her. all I get is you should do this or that or, why do you do that, and suzy running for lois and all the little people she has helped. how sad they feel for those who have lost homes and have children in difficulties and have lost love ones and those who have cancer. I thought charity was to start at home and that holding your family up was important. I have been told I won't let them help, but when you just hear everything you should do or didn't do right, you tend to not ask for help. My mother loves all her kids but she doesn't want to be with them when they constantly berate or judge or criticize her. she really can't do much more than she does whether it is caused by mental or physical things she is doing the best she can and why they don't see,  it is of utmost importance to me for her to stay in her home. I don't know if they truly understand how devastating it is for old folks to leave their comfort zone. it effects everything and they fuss about the house. well yes, the bathroom needs a lot, the backdoor needs remortared, the floors need redone, the things need gone through, my goodness I could go on and on. do they not know that I have had a lot of grief in my life and that I might need to be held up a bit without I told you so's or trying to FIX us.of course they know I have had 3 husbands and they have all passed. they weren't good choices but I loved them as much as a good one. I am different than my sibs but I am not a bad or stupid or unworthy person to expect their respect for my decisions for mom. she's happy with it. Do they know that I fret over myself dying before mom with a heart attack. no because they would take her away if I told them that and stick her in a home and it would be all over. do they know that it is ok for me(in my opinion and heart)to have this life caring for my mother. that only the money is a problem and yes I would like to be with my own kids sometimes but if I leave on many occasions I come back and things have been done that do not help. justs means I have to redo it again or try to act like I like it when it causes me more difficulty. none of this happens much anymore but they don't see that I am dealing with ALL the kids and ALL the sibs and their problems and all the little grief that goes with it.and the details of partys and good things as well as bad.also the 2 young men that live in this home and still need some parental support. mom absolutely can't keep up with it all and goes through me to recall and I'm getting where I can't recall a lot of stuff. well I will never figure it all out I'm sure but I love my family and I will try my best to be non-judgemental and accept the help they want to give. even if it don't help persay. I need to help my daughter get that house finished so she can have some peace. hopefully that will be thursday. get the shower done and the room cleaned enough for charlie to move into it would be such a blessing. I just want it to be safe and that is my biggest fear. but she has no money to be able to do better right now and going back to the projects is a scarey and awful option but it could happen. I hope not. the other daughter is in school and fighting battles with dads and in alabama. lord have mercy and help us with the hard stuff is my prayer. bye now

more little aggrevation

as usual, I am in a tither, trying to decide what I can do and can not do. I have accepted a job and have quickly learned why she has such a turn around of staff. there is no order in anything. I started and have not worked a shift yet and she has changed my schedule 3 times. so due to the fact that we need money so badly right now, I will go and do the best I can and hope things go well.I have to quickly change dayshift into night. it is not as easy to flip things here as others may think. I have lots of food prepared for her. Jake has to be able to get home after school and that will be an hour after dark which is where her fear comes in. I can call chris but if she can deal, it would be better to have no one and she has folks visit so I think she'll be ok and this may give me an in at maple manor who do not wish to hire me for some reason. I can work, I just have to watch repetious things. steps, ladders etc. I am upset with jake and jamey right now. jimmy gave them a printer,scanner,copier that is much cheaper and better than mine and I told both of them I would love to have it and I noticed it is gone from the garage now and was not offered to me. It hurts my feelings and I have spent so much on ink and made lots of copies for them and their medicaid(when it was being used)and taxes. I guess I have made myself a rug and allowed whomever to walk on me. the fact is nothing terrible has been done it is just stuff to keep you crazy and trying to do better or have a bit more or get that special thing for a grandchild.mainly trying to get a useable shower in my kids house and the siding and charlies room done.at least their life would be a little more stable. mom forgets so badly. that is my fear and the boys, if they know I am gone, can get away with anything,as I said, nothing horrible but I have to lock my room.they take things in and out without asking and It has been an issue. just another of the small issues I have had here. well I will close and say a prayer that things will work out. this job may prove to be not worth it, if she keeps calling me every day and changing it all. lord it is in your hands. sue took mom to the doc for me today so I could go to mine and they came back with a good report and the doc wants her to take lipoflavin for her ears. now they just told me(my sibs) she didn't need all this medicine.  I said well she don't need that and sue goes off with this well glenda the doctor said she should use it and they don't usually suggest things like that. well they do and we have taken the ones she really needs but I don't know what the hell they expect. docotors recommend whatever the last salesman brought or what they recall being used and put everybody in the same box. if you don't watch, you'll be taking 25 pills a day which the four or five docs ordered, neither knowing what is already being taken, and many of them are going back to home remedys or vitamins to cut down on cost for people. mom hears better than I do so "really" does she need another vitamin NO.  I have tried to explain this to my sibs, but they think I am a spaztic,paranoid freak I guess. that's what killed kaye. taking everything the doc said and not taking good care of herself and pilling everything to extreme instead of changing her diet and quit sucking down diet colas etc, but I am the dummy. oh well, my cigarettes will likely be my demise but it ain't like I don't know it, I just can't seem to quit so we all just do what we have to or what we think is best. realizing we are not all the same is one of the lessons a lot of us learn too late.try not to judge others if you don't live their life.

stuff

well It is 4 AM and here I am awake and ready to go but no where to go and my hip hurts so that I can not go much. When I woke, the house was so quite and that is disturbing as I usually hear Mothers 02 unit chiming. well I don't know for sure if I didn't turn it on or if she got up but it looks like the later cause the tube was stuck under the door and this is something I would not, normally, leave.I laid down at 2 and jacob wasn't home yet and at 3:30 the kitchen light was out so It may have awakened me when he come in just enough to arouse after he went downstairs. I need to call pete and reschedule our date cause I had already accidently made one on the same day involving more than just he and I. I worry about him and sometimes I want to knock the crap out of him. Jameson finnally did it. he went to jail for public intoxication and when I said something to pete he kind of boldly said, don't you go get him out. this coming from the man who along with my sister would have spent the last dime they had getting their boy out of trouble and use any excuse to fix it. david is trying to stay sober but don't always make it. at least jamey don't drive a car and ruin finances that way,or chance hurting innocents. pete was alarmed that david told me. I'm like, was it suppose to be a secret. I mean did we really think some of our children would not have these problems. and boy do they. BUT, I have several, well a few friends ,downtown who know the name well and gave me a heads up and it is the hardest thing to sit and do nothing. they need to go through the consequences but it is heartwrenching for the ones at home. but I have learned running to their rescue can hurt as well as help more times than not. I learned that joey is not doing well at all in school and will not be able to play football or go to college.which sets him up to do what many of or young have done. rebel and drink and smoke. I hope to get him some during springbreak and try to convince him it is worth it to try harder. I always felt like there was a block somewhere to his ability to organize and learn, even though he is very intelligent. I begged for counclers and whomever to check him for mild autism to no avail. he was a welfare baby and I couldn't get any help. I remember, when I was in school, thinking how stupid it was to worry about learning this stuff which is not logically gonna help me in my life and having a horrible time trying to be still and focus and our parents couldn't do much but work and feed/clothe us. there wasn't much grounding cause we didn't get to do anything. when you have 7, you don't tend to notice the evils that lay quitely in the mind. I did finally learn that some of that stupid stuff just gets you to a higher level of knowledge which helps you figure things out on a social level or something. Joey has always been more preceptive than most young people or people in general but never could accept athority nor understand why he was punished even if he was right.  due to his mothers constant battles, he has lost so much of what was good in his life and since she moved to alabama and they have virtually removed me from any situation, I think he has been adversely affected by this as well. I don't see him near enough to watch and help. now I am trying to decide if I need to go to the school and try to punch another round of rules and assistance to help him finish. he has one more year and he was so up about the football and this has crushed him. don't know if drugs or drinking is involved but I need to try to find out if there is anything I can do. mother is not doing well. my siblings keep asking why don't I do  this and that but the fact is, since I came here she has been in a down slide. she has been so sick and so close to death and it is pretty much (here)been changed to a mini nursing home to abide her wishes and care for her needs. she told me once don't take my cooking away, I'll die. she has held on to this means of attention, caring and giving to the point she could not change it to something else and god knows I have tried. but I could not keep up with the constant mess and the huge meals we didn't eat and the constant outgo of money and throwing away food but not allowing me to get rid of stuff we haven't used in 5 years. I wanted her to be cared for in her own home. I have heard many many you ought to's but I don't think my sib's realize how the situation rolls here and yes I would love a break, but she does not want me to be anywhere she is not and that I suppose is my fault. back in september of 08 I really thought she was going to leave us and I'd wind up taking care of her husband til he passed. then in november he passed and she was still hanging in and finally got to a point life was once again worth living to her. since Kaye passed, she has tried to feel better but it has taken such a toll on her, I don't think she can overcome. she felt betrayed by god and no matter how much you pray or know god sometimes you can just not understand why it has to be the way it is. she said one day, I can't believe what is going on in my family, I have prayed so hard and long for peace/ I just told her mom, we have had many blessings and answered prayers and you can't give up. you are the prayer warrior and if you do nothing but that, it is important for our family. that seemed to put her at ease a bit. I really want to go back to work but I am not sure I am truly able. if I don't my SSI won't be much. I worked since I was 14 and now the few years left I am here which is my choice but it will deplete my benefits drastically unless our pres new laws go through.my family has a hard time understanding me but I have always been different and didn't see things the way they do. my older sibs seem to have been caught at the top of the seven and had it pretty rough and dad wasn't very good to sue. I think he loved her but there was a tension from family that wouldn't let him love her. my younger sib's were caught after dad became ill and did not receive the benefit(or pressure) of a father figure. Jimmy was a god til timmy came along and dad didn't have much use for jimmy after that and then he had the aneurism and didn't care for any of us. me and teresa were kind of in the middle and got some of both ends so many different views from the 7 of us and some of it brings us closer and some tears us totally apart. I believe the bond between us is strong even through all the bull. I grieve a lot over my brother. I try not to but he had a rough go being in a home with 6 women and then loosing his place in the godship of my fathers eyes. I know I dwell on these things too much but I have tried so hard to protect my family to learn that It was looked at in a totally different way than I gave. we were never allowed to express feeliings of discontent or anger. mom grew up in a house of terror kind of and she could not deal with loud voices and fighting and discontent. we didn't know the damage this would cause until much later and I don't know if the sibs even know it. we kept secrets beyond the norm for kids etc. don't tell, don't yell, don't upset anyone and then when dad got sick it just multiplied the problem 10x's more. I am glad my girls didn't do drugs or drink heavily but their lost was pitiful fathers as well. we were looking for love so hard and I personally picked badly. but of course they wouldn't be here had it gone another way so who can say what is to be or why. I know I love my family and whether they believe it or not, my goal has been to protect and help where I could. didn't expect or want any martyrdom ,which I have also been accused of so I will just do the best I can and try to hang in til the lord calls us home. I will try to remeber to thank the lord for the blessings and pray alot for adams safe return. we have been blessed not to have lost any of our boys in these horrible war zones but now he has been deployed too an area that was bad already and due to an inccident where one of our troops killed friendlys in their homes even children and old folks even the good guys don't like us there, so I pray he will be safe. that kind of loss has got to be unbearable. I don't know if babygirl could withstand it. prayers for all and lord thank you for the blessings we do receive. let us all try to understand that it is so much bigger than what we see here on earth, and embrace eachother in love and try to make life tolerable for those less forunate is my prayer for this day. it is the day the lord made and I will try my best to be glad in it.

my hermit status

I guess I just think too much but after the pain in my hand and hip has stayed for 3-4 days, I went to my little doc and have been lined up for many tests which will tell me what we already know but must be done to prove what is needed. I was also thinking about how all the allergys and weirdness has effected my life. I have kind of been made fun of because I didn't want to go all the time but when I look at my list of problems, I'm thinking it may have been my way of subconsciously protecting myself. I actually sat down and made a list of things I have had happen to me over the years. I am allergic to so many things. Medicine does not work for me like a lot of people. my stomach has always been sensitive to the point of peptic ulcers at age 9. so it has been a constant rift.  I can walk pass someone with heavy perfume on and sneeze for an hour. this happened at work and in malls and various places I have gone. I am afraid of the dark, water, heights, and am claustrophobic. I didn't even realize this until I went for an MRI and bout went nuts trying to get out of it. I was watching a show about slunking and when the guy got in a tight spot and took his hard hat off I was on the edge of the couch breathing hard and realized I needed to turn it off. I wanted him out of there. what a fun life. I don't really know if I am that sensitive or if I spend too much time thinking about what my body says to me. whatever, it has been a great irritation to me all my life. so, I stay in my little pre-fixed-non allergic,safe place to be happy.  I have always found lots to do at home with little projects and sewing and things. oh well a thought for this morning.  maybe I am not a nut. I think it is ok to be a bit nutty. I, like many, don't deal with big changes well although I have had to on many occassions change everything in my life. My choice, although it wasn't always as easy as it seemed. prayers for all today and a special one for Adam, Bianca, Brenda, all our friends fighting diseases and our country and boys fighting these horrible wars and those poor people involved in them. so sad. til later