today I begin the rest of my life. I enjoyed working last night and I am so sore I can hardly move but Move I will and with the lords help I will do this job and get things in a better shape. it always boggles my mind, how my family looks at other people with such compassion but have no idea why I do things I do. pete got this woman and she is so sad and he just wants to help her and comfort her. all I get is you should do this or that or, why do you do that, and suzy running for lois and all the little people she has helped. how sad they feel for those who have lost homes and have children in difficulties and have lost love ones and those who have cancer. I thought charity was to start at home and that holding your family up was important. I have been told I won't let them help, but when you just hear everything you should do or didn't do right, you tend to not ask for help. My mother loves all her kids but she doesn't want to be with them when they constantly berate or judge or criticize her. she really can't do much more than she does whether it is caused by mental or physical things she is doing the best she can and why they don't see,  it is of utmost importance to me for her to stay in her home. I don't know if they truly understand how devastating it is for old folks to leave their comfort zone. it effects everything and they fuss about the house. well yes, the bathroom needs a lot, the backdoor needs remortared, the floors need redone, the things need gone through, my goodness I could go on and on. do they not know that I have had a lot of grief in my life and that I might need to be held up a bit without I told you so's or trying to FIX us.of course they know I have had 3 husbands and they have all passed. they weren't good choices but I loved them as much as a good one. I am different than my sibs but I am not a bad or stupid or unworthy person to expect their respect for my decisions for mom. she's happy with it. Do they know that I fret over myself dying before mom with a heart attack. no because they would take her away if I told them that and stick her in a home and it would be all over. do they know that it is ok for me(in my opinion and heart)to have this life caring for my mother. that only the money is a problem and yes I would like to be with my own kids sometimes but if I leave on many occasions I come back and things have been done that do not help. justs means I have to redo it again or try to act like I like it when it causes me more difficulty. none of this happens much anymore but they don't see that I am dealing with ALL the kids and ALL the sibs and their problems and all the little grief that goes with it.and the details of partys and good things as well as bad.also the 2 young men that live in this home and still need some parental support. mom absolutely can't keep up with it all and goes through me to recall and I'm getting where I can't recall a lot of stuff. well I will never figure it all out I'm sure but I love my family and I will try my best to be non-judgemental and accept the help they want to give. even if it don't help persay. I need to help my daughter get that house finished so she can have some peace. hopefully that will be thursday. get the shower done and the room cleaned enough for charlie to move into it would be such a blessing. I just want it to be safe and that is my biggest fear. but she has no money to be able to do better right now and going back to the projects is a scarey and awful option but it could happen. I hope not. the other daughter is in school and fighting battles with dads and in alabama. lord have mercy and help us with the hard stuff is my prayer. bye now