what is going on

well no one else has died and we have roofs over our heads and food. this life is getting so busy and I am not sure if it is cause you know more what needs to be done or age makes it harder to get it all done. Randy died.Lois moved here with racheal. kim and sue went down and packed up what she felt she wanted to keep and brought her here. Randy did not want any todo for his life.just to be cremated and put between his mom and dad. I just heard that he had 7 or more children. we knew more of their son JC who died a few years back. that is when randy came to her and took care of them the best he could. he was diagnosed with cancer on or before 2008. his daughter bridget got his pretty new red car. aunt lois didn't seem to care about it. she has not had any communication with her other grandchildren since their dad died. apparently due to the money being put in randys name and taken out of their oldest grandsons. I don't know if they even know what is going on. so sad. she seems to tolerate whatever happens. it must be very hard.  I am not sure kim and racheal realize what they have taken on. it seems that I am no longer needed for any advice or help with any medical questions or needs. I have heard that I am a spaz and many other little things. controling. I don't think my siblings know me at all. I keep feeling like I need to explain my actions. they don't know that mom has the ultimate decision in what we do. she doesn't want to go with "them" 9 out of ten times. I do what she wants, how she wants it and they call her stupid or stubborn or lazy like none of these decisions are hard to make. yet they run to aunt lois and treat her like glass. I don't get it. oh well.  bianca is doing chemo, laura and gerry are in the hospital with his heart, brenda is not doing well, tracy battles with chrons, joey has permenant damage in his eye after his wreck, mom is very sick and I am trying to get it turned around before she needs the hospital. she don't want to go to the hospital. she is slowing down the smokes now, cause she can't smoke with the infection she has now. I found out her labia is growing together so we have cream to get that turned around, she has to go get a skin cancer removed wed. laurie has a white dot snydrome of some kind in her eyes, ashleys dad died, jamey and jimmy are sad. jamey has to hate me right now I think, but he's never been told no and has an anger problem. he is already angry and doesn't listen and gets mad before he even knows what you are gonna say. jimmy is still mad at me over the house, which still has no working bathroom and the backroom is not usable and the siding is not done but I am the heavy. I don't write about the "man" in my life. we haven't been together physically for over 5 years and he still keeps buying cigerettes and asking to get together. I quit saying no I just don't communicate anymore. he is baptist and thinks once you're saved, always saved. I told him I did not want to go to hell for being an adulter. he says we aren't hurting anyone. he doesn't hear me when I say yeah we are, ME. I keep thinking about starting a gospel group and stretching my voice back out to be able to sing at all. I do realize it won't ever be the same but at least maybe give back where it should have been in the first place. I didn't like being different than my siblings and it made things very hard for me and they did not get it. I hated that I was the "one" with the different personality, talent, adhd, attention, more attention from dad which looked like I was his favorite but it was the voice and my need to be close and nurse feelings or health issues that put me there most the time. It was wonderful in the eyes of many but a torment for me on many occassions. they don't know that I mentally break if they are ill and need help and I can't go. if there is any little thing I can do instead of passing it by. I am happy at home and have no lack of something to do. don't feel the need for "more" things, money, entertainment etc. I just don't like planes, out to eat, theatres, shopping for what I can't buy, waste. it hurts me to even know about the poor people in other countries and how oblivious the people in our country seem to be. things are not good and everyone just acts like things will never change and they are every day and not for the best. just read revelations. well I will close this as I am not able to be positive at all. I know if you pray and believe you should be able to move on in your life and I have a hard time with that sometimes although I pray constantly, I still fear so much and worry and I am trying to learn not to do that but it is hard. I am a natural worrier. later