smoke smoke smoke that cigarette

I guess I am a little slow sometimes. it dawned on me that some months or maybe a year or so ago, when she got so mad at me for sending chris out to hang with her, she wanted privacy. I do know, that soon after she came out of the hospital, she tried to smoke and we had a large confrontation about it. I basically told her, she was not in physical or mental shape to make that decision. she did stop and 6 months or so ago, I realized she was hiding cig and lighters and trying to smoke again. so I didn't tell her I knew cause I also knew she would smoke more if I knew. so I finally got tired of watching for safety sake and acting like I didn't know so I told her I knew and now she smokes too much and I can see a marked decline in her cognition and memory to the point of confusion and refusing to go to her lung doc who she loves. so I have told her this but she hasn't give them up. of course comes the guilt of smoking in my room and trying to keep it from her. she says it has nothing to do with it. I smoked only in my room and not in front of her or no one smoked in the house. I have an air filter and fan to keep as much out as I can and smoked outside alot. in the garage when she wasn't going out there a lot but stoped that too and did not smoke in her car or while she was in her car. so now I have to let her kill herself or take them and quit myself. neither is something I can do although my non-smoking siblings are not happy.the subtle complaints as to the semell so strong, I let her blame on me. oh well, watching her try to hide it breaks my heart. I don't do any different than I did so the smell will be less hard to deal with, but why? so tired of the hype,farce,advise, I guess I'm just tired. she is not real happy about me leaving so I think I will call my smoking friend and let her stay with her so I can go to corbin and get these gravelots sold and find some of the ones we've lost. and see chester before it's too late. really need to make some plans. or is any of it worth even stressing over. well lord help me. I will try to make reasonable goals.prayers for everyone

Angels About

I got a e-mail from Ken today with news of angel, Jameson and Jacob's  mother. she has had another stroke and is unable to talk or walk and hospice has come in 24/7 now and caring for her. Ken is lost I'm sure. He has been there every minute since she became ill enough, she couldn't take care of normal daily living tasks. It is so sad.  I know the boys think about it and have many feelings they don't share. jimmy has encouraged them to be tested but that is hard to do. Jameson got so many genetic devils from his parents. jacob and he are so different. It is hard to say if either of them are plagued with hunningtons disease but time will tell. they have made some progress with med to help but no cure yet. they can actually pick the sperm or egg that does not have the gene for it so there is hope of normal kids for them. there is also hope for a cure for them or at least med that can allow them to have a longer better life. my heart is heavy with stress over them, my brother, my mother, my girls, kaye and pete, finances, jobs, routines, bills, disagreements. so many things are so painful. emotionally and physically. sometimes it seems it is just not worth it all. mom had what I think was a panic attack. no need to explain. no matter what it is she always sees the worse possible senario. I guess that comes from growing up with a constant fight between her folks.If voices are raised, she becomes tense immediately. I would love to take her back to corbin and live in mama and papas house but her brothers and sisters made sure she didn't get it. she was spoiled little wandy and they all resented it.she was the only one of them who didn't have a paid for house and she was(and me)the one who took care of them every time they needed her. why are people so mean.  oh well enough whining for tonight I guess. just tired of everything right now.better say double prayers

Momma's Bucket Garden

there never is enogh you know, no matter what we bring
out come a stack of buckets, it happens every spring
we plant a little garden, no time to watch it grow
if momma sees a root or plant, to a bucket it will go

she loves the sight of nature, pretty flowers, the smells delight
Her little bucket garden is a quite familiar sight.
if it grows, she wants to tend it
if it cooks, its on the stove
if it cans,
we're cleaning mason jars,
corn on the cob in droves
as hard as it can get sometimes, we let her have her way
she gives her love with food, we know
but thats what makes her day

we've all enjoyed the fruits of love, enduring til this day
she can't undo her need to see,that all are loved this way
the recipes she leaves behind, will surely be well spent
but they'll be here for kids and friends to use for each event


this is a poem I wrote about mom and she wanted the other kids to see it. we've teased her about her bucket garden from time to time. she liked it. she has a hard time understanding our world. she was never about the world. due to necessity, I suppose, she was about god, her kids, our dad and her job and that kept her a very busy lady. she never failed to give a prayer for those who come by needing it. nor did she fail to feed the hungry where she could and show kindness to those less fortunate. she now sits and ponders over the things her kids do that she can't believe. she frets over the sick and the ones that may not exactly be on the straight and narrow.we have lots of talks about what we can and can not control and I answer lots of questions over and over and over. our elderly(not all of them but some)do not understand the things of our society today. what they really didn't see is that in giving their children everything they didn't have, they failed to give them what they had.this doesn't mean they are horrible, but they can not live like we did. it no longer works.well I will close this entry. it seems I'm rattling. love and prayers for all.

Timothy

Well it is to be Tim's birthday and he will be here thursday to celebrate at kim's.  Mom is to make a pound cake. Hers has to be the best I ever tasted and I will have to learn to make it today. She does the telling, I do the grunt work and that is ok. I also need to go to the house and finish the bathroom floor so the kids can get a shower in. We still need to put in some drywall too, but the boys will be there to help. We learned yesterday that kaye will have surgery to remove her toe next wed. I so hate for her to have to go through this. Things seem so awful all over the world. I know I only see a very small part of the world but it is getting creepy. I did learn that my grandson has picked a church to take his new baby and family to.  I got up about 3 times last night. we have had breakin attempts 2-3 times on our street and it is happening at different times. I think our house is locked down pretty good but if they want in they usually find a way. I worry they will use the basement windows.well back to the pound cake. requires the "big" mixer and a huge bowl and lots of eggs sugar and flour. We found a sugarless cake recipe. I don't know how many carbs and other bad for you stuff is still in it but I suppose you could eat a regular piece rather than a sliver. Kaye will be starting the hyperbaric chamber again. I told pete I would take her to that. she has had a hard time going cause she is so tired and won't (sometimes) go for him. I think if she knows I'm coming it might give her a little incentative to push through and go but I hope it works.I am not tied to the house quite as much as I was, as long as I am back from anywhere by dark and I get that. at 60, it scares me to be here without the boys downstairs.when they aren't here I put a barricade up at the door. frosty would lick someone to death. He is such an easy going animal.  I am trying to get an article written with pics alongside to send to the kentucky magazine. It has a lot of stories and fun stuff to read about old times.  Mom loves it. Well it sounds like she is up, so I will get in here and get the day started. love and prayers to all.

the move

well I don't know how it will be halfway living with my daughter. I am hurt at her right now and feel deserted. she left on a "free" vacation no sooner than we got them shoved into the house. I don't know all the reasons she was kicked out of the one she had but they do have a hard time keeping things clean and nice. the boys will do whatever I ask them and I hope they do well here. it is not in anyway ready for a family of that size but I have no choice in it right now. she had like an 800$ medicine bill and so much stress. I understand the vacation to some extint but it was an awful time for her to leave and she went to ocean city NJ right where the hurricanes are spinning and flooding and I know I am paranoid but I don't like tempting fate. we got the water heater hooked up but the electricity don't work so now another hurdle. I have spoke to the bank and have so much crap going on I can't keep it in my head. I think the time will be more temporary than they all would like but I can't live in a mess and they will soon get tired of me telling them what to do. she had no money and no way to go anywhere but she could have waited a few more weeks to do this. I think she wanted to get her stuff moved before her "vacation". her landlord came there and threatened the kids while she was at work and called and texted and her rent was one day late at the time. she needed to get out. now the lady in her drunkeness will have nothing good to say about them I'm sure. I am having a hard time just getting up and breathing right now. my ear is infected and I feel so down and done.mother tries to keep me from extra work and usually winds up making it worse. like today she knew I had an appointment with the doc and my ears are giving me fits. she started in the kitchen and before she was worn out, cooked fried chicken,chicken and noodles,veg soup,greenbeans,corn on the cob,a peach upsidedown cake. there were ten pots and bowls all over the kitchen and I tried to get some of it done before I left. Jamey has a job now with home depot.the boys don't watch as close as I'd like them to and if someone is in the house she goes to cooking and it is never enough. she just keeps adding something else but ai have started letting her clean up some of the mess and then I finish it.I don't think she does any of it on purpose but it is very hard to deal with daily living in this house anymore and like the soup. all I said was mom try to keep it a little smaller we don't need 2 gallons. but the pot was full to the top and we took some to kaye. the whole night she told me at least 25 times how good she liked the soup and how kaye loved the soup and ate 2 bowls.I don't know if she forgot she already told me or if she wanted to excuse herself to me for making it or prove to me it was a good thing but it drives me nuts. I don't mind her cooking so much as she thinks, but when she cooks all day for other people and I have a mess to clean up, and she don't even eat it. she was determined to make the corn on the cob before joey left cause "she wanted it" we wound up waiting til it was done to take him home.oh well you can't change her now and I wish she were happier but I do the best I can and she is a handful sometimes. oh well time to quit whining and thank the lord for the blessings and get on with my night. yeah can't sleep.I try to think of those more opressed when I feel down. there are so many without just needs being met. we are so fortunate in so many ways. god have mercy on us and keep us in your care.

food for the day

have you ever longed for that moment of silience, when no one called your name, the phone didn't ring, the dogs are quiet and no one needs anything for that moment. I have longed for that moment for a while. I have never been able to walk away with anyone in my family or extended family needing help. My heart would not allow me to pretend I could do nothing. although it is as much a curse as a quaility, I have always been able to understand speech of those who could not speak clearly, always sewed up that unfixable clothing that someone didn't want to toss, that broken whatnot or furniture, even cars. oh well jimmy asked mom to go to dinner with her and the boys for jakes b-day. just the four of them was the request. jake actually has a girlfriend and she went along too.  so the house is so quiet. it is (for a time)so nice to hear nothing. I would in no way change caring for my mother but I do get tired of not having a life. for the last year I have been cleaning up the Oak st house and redoing almost everything in it. I have gone in two to four hour segments and it has been the most taxing test of all my senses to continue. It is about done. my daughter moved into it although it is not done yet and I hope it is not another mistake. I feel like I am sending her to hell. it is old and delapadated and she will have lots to contend with. but her payment will be less than 300.00 a month so they may be able to deal with life a little better. she needs to learn to not spend on so much junk. but we can hope. I would like to take a week off and be unresponsible for anything, but I am sure that time will come all too soon. life is just really hard right now. God help us all and all our soldiers and the little hungry children. prayers and love to all.

food can't fix it

I am so overwhelmed with grief for my sister, it is hard to breathe. They wouldn't even look at me for giving her a kidney. I keep going back in my mind to the day she virtually died in her living room and wonder, did I do the right thing. she's had to suffer through so much. I wonder if it is a test for pete(and her)like job, to test faith and I have a hard time not seeing the miricle we have all prayed and prayed for. course the fall was the culprit I guess. she made it over the heart stop and cpr. I can't even explain the way I feel. I know she has been spared for a time because so many things could have and should have taken her life and she fought through all of it to get to this point, where she has to loose a leg, or basically die, short of a miricle, it is a matter of time. she is like a child, so afraid and then so agressive when upset. I would be an idiot I'm sure if I had to endure what she has. pete is so determined to do all of her care and not let her go . I get so angry with him sometimes. a small change could make things easier for her and him. being the caregiver and watching over those in the hospital and making sure things were done as correctly as my knowledge would allow, was the only thing I felt like I could give my family and he took that completely away from me with my sister. of course this was her wish too I assume but I don't know. she remains so protective of her son and I think is grieving over leaving her family. as we all know none of us have the promise of tomorrow, but to see so much pain in one of your loved ones is almost more than I can bare. Her greatest fear was to be unable like our father was and it has come on her worse than daddy had to deal with. he didn't suffer so much even though he was disabled. He had his problems but came out of things quickly and remained jolly although he had some mental setbacks with memory and emotion he was quite happy. he kind of died in her arms(kayes) and I started CPR and looked at mom to tell me if I should continue, since he'd slipped alot in the last year. she said no, don't do it anymore. that was the hardest thing I've never done. I believe it was his time and he begged me not to take him to the hospital. he did not want to go through anymore of that. well I need to pray for all of us and try to sleep. it's likely to be a long hard day tomorrow. she now says she'd rather die than loose her leg. I don't think she can deal with loosing anymore. lord please have mercy.