seven to six

It feels so strange to know that kaye is no longer a living breathing soul. She, had suffered such great horrors with her illnesses. I have felt anger, love, sorrow, hurt, insecure, and many other things during her last years. I didn't know if I had done the right thing when I yanked her into the floor and did CPR the first time. In my mind, time was still and she was not breathing so I decided in what seemed like an hour to do something. My mind was hearing what she'd said to me once before, "don't let me be like daddy, I don't want to not be able to take care of myself" but this time, I could not do nothing. they finally got there and started O2 and IV's and got her to the hospital on time to save her. 
she had Openheart surgery and was ok.  then the fall, bump on the head and now back to the hospital with more surgery for the brain injury she got with the fall. she'd told me before that she didn't think she'd live to see her grandchildren and see david happy.  so she did get to see those things. I can't say if David was happy, but he did try to help his mother and knew she was his best friend. it will be so hard on him. I love pete with all my heart but have been so angry at him over some things that I can hardly talk to him sometimes and through all of it, I respect and admire him for being so devoted and caring to kaye. His worst fault through it all was not allowing people who could help with some of the decisions to help. I am quite sure this is what my sister preferred as well.
she didn't much like him out of her site. He will be lost for a while. every family member I have cared for had a bittersweet end. I was lost, but unburdened, missed them so, but had to go on. left with a sad heart and nothing to do(so to speak) I guess I haven't been too close to any of my siblings since we all got older. I don't see or feel anything like they do. I guess the closest like me would be timmy. Jimmy and I are alot alike although he wouldn't admit it. but for one to be gone reminds me of the song will the circle be unbroken. I feel broken. 1/7 of the whole is missing. I hope she finds daddy quickly and all the loved ones we've lost. I feel I wasn't allowed to make things even a bit easier for her with my experience and that is what I could do best for my family and have learned through her illness that it may not have been what anyone wanted.  I wanted to protect them from idiots who paid no attention and I could get things done quicker and easier if I'd worked there and I had worked a lot of places. I couldn't be there too much because I wanted to be here for my mom and getting older and not being able to do more for kaye cut me to the bone. but thats what I do. when pete and tiff came over it sounded more like a business than the death and arrangements for my sister. no one was allowed to give any opinion or thought of what was to be and that was strange because everything was, even through disagreements, done as a whole. Tiff gets aggressive and says things sometimes that are very hurtful. may be how she handles stress. she hasn't had the benefit of a well mom and grandma so I suppose that takes a toll on you too. she is a good person but much like her folks. I love her and wish I could be there more for her and her kids too. you can't say how you feel cause mom won't allow even a loud voice let alone an arguement so all is kept quiet and pushed aside and covered up. so all of us try to keep the peace. I don't know why they are moving her body from the funeral home to the church. I don't know why she has to be burried way away from where her home has been. charge it. if pete is that bad off we would all chip in if need be. we certainly have before. I don't know why it has to be so stipulated instead of feeling like a warm celebration of her life. I know someone has to carry the ball and what I think or feel is not important but I would have liked to have been able to at least voice my feelings or opinion even if none of it was used or listened to.
she was this family and our sister too. it ain't like for the last few years everyone hasn't been involved in some way. but I think a little family meeting for those who wished to attend would have been in order to at least let us have some feeling of helping and quite possibly having a suggestion that would be relavant. I can't even write all I feel right now, I am so sad and I already miss my sister being there. I see my mother just fading and I didn't think she would have to lose a child. she's not perfect by any means but I have heard her pray each night and morning for god to protect and be with her kids. although I don't want to loose her I have prayed for god to let her gently go home before she had to loose a child. I didn't want her to have to experience that cause her kids have been her life. I know she will survive and I know god is the only one who knows the plan. I pray for god to let me be strong and sane until she no longer needs me. I look at my little new grt grandchild and think about this world and feel sad again. my children have had to struggle so hard for anything. a lot because I had to be the nurse when my family needed me. I saw too much to allow them to go to hospitals or surgerys etc without someone with some knowledge of what to watch for. I knew just enough to scare me to death and fear for my family but you can't explain that. I can't research fast enough to keep them safe. How do you instill that just cause the doctor or nurse says it don't make it so or good for a particular person, or if you do this or that it is easier on the person or not allow unnecessary tx's and rx's, and it happens all the time. like the sleep apnea test for mom the second night in the hospital when she had come in with an exascerbation of COPD and couldn't even breath hardly at all. how in the hell could it possibly be accurate. why put someone with horrible arthritis on bedrest. lack of exercise hurts both arthur and copd cause if you don't move about, you get pneumonia on top of the problem. Roy was continent of bowel and bladder. I left for an hour to go home and get cleaned up and come back to him in a diaper and couldn't even understand how to get help cause he was too weak. he'd called and got no help and tried to navigate an 8 legged IV pole into a 2 foot bathroom door and had an accident so incontinent was added to his dx and a diaper put on. YES, I went in and raised nine kinds of hell. that's what causes most elderly to become incontinent and get bedsores. how do I help them understand me. things are not important. I can not help how I am but I guess I have been a sourse of irritation for my family. I am very serious about most things and can be very funny and they don't see that often anymore. I stay away because I do not wish to be told how imperfect I am anymore. I am fine with myself. I feel very lonely sometimes and I am beginning to know my grandson charlie and he is alot like me and that may be why I couldn't seem to be close to him. he can't be still, is concerned about all things, and involved in too many to be great at them but is pretty good at whatever he tries. hes had broken bones and injurys over and over as I did and still do and just get up and go on. I realized we were alot alike. well I guess I have expounded enough to relieve some of my gut, so I will say my prayers, ask god to forgive me for being so hateful but feeling better. I do love my family so much. I know they love me but I also feel they don't like me much but it is what it is. we go on the six with the sweet memorys of the one gone.