food can't fix it

I am so overwhelmed with grief for my sister, it is hard to breathe. They wouldn't even look at me for giving her a kidney. I keep going back in my mind to the day she virtually died in her living room and wonder, did I do the right thing. she's had to suffer through so much. I wonder if it is a test for pete(and her)like job, to test faith and I have a hard time not seeing the miricle we have all prayed and prayed for. course the fall was the culprit I guess. she made it over the heart stop and cpr. I can't even explain the way I feel. I know she has been spared for a time because so many things could have and should have taken her life and she fought through all of it to get to this point, where she has to loose a leg, or basically die, short of a miricle, it is a matter of time. she is like a child, so afraid and then so agressive when upset. I would be an idiot I'm sure if I had to endure what she has. pete is so determined to do all of her care and not let her go . I get so angry with him sometimes. a small change could make things easier for her and him. being the caregiver and watching over those in the hospital and making sure things were done as correctly as my knowledge would allow, was the only thing I felt like I could give my family and he took that completely away from me with my sister. of course this was her wish too I assume but I don't know. she remains so protective of her son and I think is grieving over leaving her family. as we all know none of us have the promise of tomorrow, but to see so much pain in one of your loved ones is almost more than I can bare. Her greatest fear was to be unable like our father was and it has come on her worse than daddy had to deal with. he didn't suffer so much even though he was disabled. He had his problems but came out of things quickly and remained jolly although he had some mental setbacks with memory and emotion he was quite happy. he kind of died in her arms(kayes) and I started CPR and looked at mom to tell me if I should continue, since he'd slipped alot in the last year. she said no, don't do it anymore. that was the hardest thing I've never done. I believe it was his time and he begged me not to take him to the hospital. he did not want to go through anymore of that. well I need to pray for all of us and try to sleep. it's likely to be a long hard day tomorrow. she now says she'd rather die than loose her leg. I don't think she can deal with loosing anymore. lord please have mercy.

no dumplins today

we had a mixture of tomatoes,zuccini,garlic,onions over rice. mom cooks in her sleep all the time. she got up today and wanted to cook what she dreamed of. wilma had brought zuccini and teresa had brought some veggies and she fixed them all night. well it actually tasted good. not to die for but reasonably tasty over the rice. not much for a meat and potatoe person, but if you like veggies it was dewishous. I am very weary of what I call mini crisis. it seems there will never be a day with no worry. or aggrevation. I guess its all in how you deal with it and these days I don't seem to be able to deal with anything. I was so used to being able to physically stay ahead of everything and now seems I can't keep up with myself anymore. I am blessed to have my little new grt grandaughter born healthy. she was 9lb 7oz. 21 1/2 in long. She is a cutey. she looks like her momma a bit more than dad I think but they change so much in those first few months. I dreamed she was a red head. jim had a lot of red in his hair but hers right now seems brown with red tones. too soon to tell. they went home friday and AJ is really steppin up to the task. tiffani had stitches and the everpresent with childbirth(hemroids) Those first few days after a big baby like april are rough. AJ has the week off. we are still working on getting the house ready for laurie to move in. It is not very ready but we'll have to work on it a little at a time. I got my brothers things sorted and repacked and in the garage, up, hopefully where mice and bugs don't get in them. I will put my stuff back in storage for now. no time to sell, sort or prepare for yardsale. just want to be done with it. waterheater, furnace,backroom and floor jacks left to do and siding. I have had a hard time trying to sort jims stuff and keep the most precious or what was not ruined. but that part is done. I hope it will prove to be a good thing I did cause I have sure worked hard. jacob got home tonight. I am glad he is back safe.  Jamey has been gone more than here since jake left. so the garbage, dog and all weren't taken care of. if we asked him to do something while he was here to shower or eat he would do it and he did mow the lawn but he doesn't have a pinch of thought as to what he might do to help here. I think he just wants to be elsewhere. they are not "bad" kids just 19 and 22 and not very interested in anything that doesn't concern their day. not to unusual for the age. hard to keep the middle between them and mom. I tell them try to remember she is 4 generations from your world. well I am tired so I should get some rest. this will be a hard week and next week is job hunt. prayers to all and thank you lord for the blessings.

the boys

well the kid went out to take pics in the wild and returned at ten with 2 young ladys who(with permission from mom) went downstairs to view the pics they took. joey here and jamey came home too. 1st girl left at 11 and mom ask me to have them end the party at 1130. they were laughing and cutting up and being a bit noisey compared to usual.Jake asked me if she'd handle them going swimming for a while. I said no but I will just be quiet. so here I am at 300 in the AM sneaking them back in the house and trying to keep the dog from barking and mom being woke up. mission acomplished.it is hard to keep 3 generations happy. Thank GOD they are not horrible, disrespectful boys. they do try to follow the rules of the house which are oft times very stringent. no girls to spend the night, I agree with but sometimes they need a bit of space mom is not willing to give so I find myself mediating frequently. I guess we get by. I hope they know I try to ease it a little. she is so far away from them in age it is hard to make her see they are fairly well grown and able to have some fun without getting into trouble. you don't have to do anything wrong to get into trouble these days but we give all the precautions we can and pray the rest. safely tucked in tonight. prayers and love to all and I am gonna go to bed now.

dinnerbell done rang

Mom and kaye both very happy after the dinner. everyone ate well and she took a box home with her for david and later tonight, or tomorrow. actually it went very well. did I say that. pete looked awful tired. he is so protective of her but does things backwards sometimes and could make it so much easier with a few little tips. but you have to admire his tenacity. my spelling leaves a lot to be desired. now comes the clean up. got most in the dishwasher and food covered. time for a break.  so the menu was: grilled and broasted chicken, bisquits and gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn on the cob, dressing, cranberry sauce, cucumber salad and tossed salad, with coffee and cantelope for a dessert. she still has to be fed some of her food and uses a straw because her right side mouth is numb. I pray for her not to suffer any more but how do we know how much we can stand to stay with our loved ones. we went to her birthday do on thursday and it was nice but she was so tired. anna drost and kids were there. they have remained fairly close. well I will close this writing not knowing when or what will happen to our family next. we've had a hard year. I don't know where my brother is and what in the world is in his mind. it breaks my heart to think he feels I done him wrong. I have spent a year trying to preserve what of his things from the house that I can. How can he not know I had no choice. the house still needs a lot of work but it is almost livable again. laurie will be moving in it probably. I don't think she has a choice.   GOD have mercy on us all and prayers to our men fighting everywhere and thankful adam hasn't been deployed yet. good night

woe, woe, woe

Well here I am again with the need to write down something, anything. it keeps me from going nuts. nothing in my life would cause anyone to need phychiatric help but all the little details and minicrisis are driving me bonkers. My biggest request for mom is not to cook when no one is home. she has had too many little stove fires to trust that she can handle it alone anymore. although I explained that we all do it sometimes but she no longer has the ability to get it took care of quickly without danger. this , of course hurt her feelings or made her mad(either-I don't care to do). I had told her I wanted to work a lot on the house this week-end and spend some time with joey before he goes back to school. well Kaye decided it would be a good time to come for the chicken dinner they been trying to do for a few months. she has to do things when she is up to it so not to be angry about but definitly changed my weekend. I would never want anyone to say I was angry cause I wouldn't want to hurt anybody. so I rearrange my plans or actually just drop them. I finally did sell my silver wedding band for a 100.00 bill. took joey to get some school supplys and an outfit and the ticket was 99.22.filling out papers to decrease my mortgage with my daughter having to move and needing to move into it.and it is in no way ready. trying to teach jamey to drive and looking for a job so to say the least I have many things on my mind. but dinner is ready to serve. and I am glad we are blessed to still have kaye able to eat. I can hardly be with her without my heart breaking. The children starving in somolia. God, we have to wake up and try to help these children. prayers for all later

here we grow again.

Well I went a little out of the norm and sent our baby april an eviction notice. the kids enjoyed it and in all this hot weather and last month of pregnancy, they needed a little pick-up. I also found out that exactly 2 weeks late would bring her on my daughters b-day. that would be fun to have your first grand on your own b-day.September seems to be our familys month.we have many in sept. 3 on the 5th.  mom has been cooking a lot lately but enjoys it so much although we have a lot of clean-up and "go gets" and food to put away or deliver to kaye. I am so down in my spirit right now. when you realize you have to turn the reigns over to the next generation it is very hard. being responsible for so many things(of my own choosing).your mind and emotions knows what you need to do and how but your body no longer, is able to keep up. does that mean you should not take it on or you shouldn't worry about it. when you realize maybe you didn't teach your kids what you thought you did or in this world, does it really matter as long as they know GOD.  how different levels of financially able causes different levels of society and how they view things. In sorting my brothers things, I have a hard time deciding what would be the most important to him and since he chooses not to correspond with me right now and thinks I have hurt him, I just want to tell him, I know you don't see it the way others do, but I love you and maybe someday you will understand."I think he is the smartest, funniest, most caring, there for whomever and so lonely. I have your back. I've always had your back, even if you didn't like the way I did it.I love you.well I guess the name of this blog doesn't really portray the content. but food is not my god and I do tend to get too emotional. I have always cried a lot and it keeps me from going nuts. Most any "pilltype" help does me in. either knocks me out or makes me crazier than a bed bug. so I just as soon cry. back to the cooking. it is always good and it is very apparent that moms boys are of the top ten so to speak. half the food she cooks, she doesn't even like or eat herself. the boys are quite normal for their age. she and I are too old to live in their world and they are too young to live in ours. I thank God that they are not into meaness or horrible things which is so out there today. we can't tell them to do it like we did because the changes in our world  have made that impossible. but I am thankful for our blessing and when I think of so many less fortunate in the world, I am ashamed to fuss about anything. people often tell me to get a life. well caring for others is my life. I wish I had prepared some better for my future. but how do you turn off your heart. I have not mastered that task. so much I want to say and so unable to express it on paper, or physically able to get projects done or remember which one I was working on. I am in a scarey place in my life. another phase to go through I suppose. prays and love to all

kids

well I have two of my grands for a few weeks. bekah and ben. they are like the dynamic duo. what one don't hit ya with, the other one will. they are so smart and beautiful. rebekah has always been the mommy type for ben.  today we shopped at the goodwill. Ben found a remote-jeep and bekah found a full nintendo game with two remotes for 15.00. I found an album of nursery songs for one dollar. it was made in 1966 and is in very good shape. We had a fun day. Hot, but fun.  Mom is out now with the smoking and I got her an electronic cigarette to try for a few days. I am very tired and am having a hard time figuring out the next step in my life. I guess the correct way to say it would be trying to find my life. the kids and I went to the storage today and I gave them some stuff from it that I'd had for them anyway. I feel very empty. Most of what I have in my storage is kid oriented. oh there's the needs of a home there too but you can tell what ran my house. my grandchildren. I don't think Amanda will ever know how much of my life she yanked away. I have since learned that it may have been the best but not in this way. I am not physically able to keep up with them so much now. I am not at all organized to care for them here like when I had a home. I have given a lot of it to AJ for his home now that he is married. I found a butterfly pin I'd been looking for and so many things I hadn't seen for so long. It was like a little treasure hunt for all of us. ben mostly stayed in the car and examined the penny's to find the ones of value. we are looking for a 1969s. it is suppose to be worth 35,000.00. I would love to find one worth 5,000. right now. We dropped off some things to AJ, towels, a shower thingy and a few things for baby. then home for a nice meal cooked by mom and jacob. well the girls look so cute in their little pillowcase dresses. Kim and I made them the other day and she'd found vintage cases with the lace and embroidering and made huge hair bows for them and they were adorable. I made one for elsie although she didn't get to go to the beach. hers is bright yellow with a blue high-heel on it to match her gorgeous blue eyes. looks like their little ben is gonna be another blue-eyed dreamboat. I am still packing and sorting. It seems that is how I've spent a good deal of my life, besides nursing anyway. if I can learn how to do the dialysis with kaye, I could probably get a better job when I go back. that will be when jacob returns from his vacation, scheduled the last two weeks of august. . he'll be here at night so I can work night shift and come home, do the breakfast, go to bed and make a decent earning. well big day tomorrow. better get some shut-eye.  Our baby april should be here soon. we thought she was coming on the 16th but they sent us home empty-handed again. we just have to wait a little longer.   love and prayers for our country and my family.